Say no to Racism. Be like a panda, they're black, white and asian...but not Mexican... so be like a panda holding a taco.

There is no "i" in "team." But there's an "i" in "Tim," and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team." So there we go.

Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I'm Confused.

Ice cream never asks stupid questions. Ice cream understands.

Curling irons have a warning tag that says "For External Use Only."


Which one of you sick bastards made that necessary?

What's the difference between a hotel and my tweets? A hotel can actually get 5 stars.

Shall we have a Twitter strike as well? Just harnessing the momentum? "What do we want?" "More than 140 characters" "When do we want it?" "N

High heels are a man's invention to make it harder for a woman to run away.

Give fat people a break!

And they would probably just have a Kit-Kat.

My ex has a new girlfriend and I'm glad - I really want him to be happy.

So long as I'm happier.

And he sees that.

And cries.

Changed my name on Facebook to 'Benefits' so that whenever i add anyone, it'll be "You are now friends with benefits".

Exaggerations went up by 4.1 million percent last year.

So my doctor told me start killing people.
Well not in those exact words. He said I need to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.

My friend broke a mirror.

"That's 49 years bad luck," I said.

"Don't you mean 7?" she asked.

"No. That mirror belonged to my dog."

Early to bed, early to rise, till you have enough money to do otherwise.

I wish tweeting could burn calories..

One of my 5 boyfriends cheated on me. I won't ever trust guys again.

Stable relationships are for horses...

I've already decided whats going to be on my gravestone as my famous last words:'Who's the world going to revolve around now?

Surely they can just call it Zealand now..uhh!