This guy at work thinks he can breed out poor people by having as many children as possible...

The only way I'm going to get enough money is if I become a hooker. I guess twitter did predict the future.

Whales are giant sea dildos.

My roommate heard me on the phone say "I live with a douche bad.." Think he knows I'm talking about him?

I need a back rub, a knife, food and somewhere to hide the body

I just tried using an @ on my phone to send a text message.. this is a sign.

Murder together stay together

Was getting all dressed up and puked my guts out. Guess having sex with random strangers is out.

Hey people this Saturday there is a party at a bar. You should go.

Answering the door in underwear/thigh high socks because I forgot I wasn't wearing clothes is a good way to get the mailman drop his load.

My other penis is a vagina.

I'm pretty sure having a twitter account counts as a STD.

Those raptors better hurry up and get here and eat my asshole neighbor blaring country music this early.

That's one less stalker :)

I have legal rights to your penis #themoreyouknow

"It spanked it good." "I thought that was my job."

Hellraiser comic was a win for me. I have issue 2 on hold.

Your stars are showing.

My day has started off super weird. Most actors have stalkers. Instead I have a stalker who is an actor.

Just spoke about twitter to somone. They looked at me like I was crazy. Guess that's why I fit in here..