You know what they say, first you get chickens and the next thing you know you almost burn down the house.

Can this tweet still be considered as a contender for the best tweet of 2012? I sure hope so.

Sometimes I'm afraid to star a tweet thinking I'll find out later via email that it wasn't a tweet for me.

We’re gathered here today to remember a man who wanted to know the unknown like “Is a snake ticklish?” who died tragically licking a toad.

There is nothing you can say to me that will convince me that I wouldn't win the gold medal in skipping.

Wish Breaking Bad had been called Making Good and it followed Walter White getting his life together to become a teacher.

Waiting for this bowl of sugar and spice to turn into a woman. A nice woman. The last time I got the ratio wrong and I had to melt a witch.

If you like my tweets, you should see my excel spreadsheets.

Sometimes I imagine LOL means something different like Lots of Ladies or Ladies on Ladies. Really, just anything involving ladies.

This feels like a week where at some point I'm going to have a breakdown on a bathroom floor.

My other account is a folktale.

I want to be first in line for all the black friday jokes.

Catching all the lights is a magical phrase that's wasted on traffic.

It is easier said than done except when it comes to making a speech. Then they are equal.

One is the loneliest and three is magic but eight, eight is the sexiest figure. Turn it to the side and it will go on forever.

"It was a fifty fifty shot and I got it in three tries."

Do not fall for a girl who speaks Klingon. She's mine! You hear me?

1. Don't tweet about how others should tweet.
2. Don't tweet about how others can't tell you how to tweet.
3. This doesn't count.
4. Tweet.

You don't just dance your way out of charm the way you dance your way in.

NOW EVERYBODY DESCRIBE YOUR NOSE AS A SONG.