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A handful of almonds is a sensible snack to throw in someone's face & demand where the real snacks are
I think we all knew Prince would leave the party before it got lame, even if it was his party.
Don't be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Malala's college application essay: sup
I once dated an apostrophe. Too possessive.
A walks into a bar & the bartender's like "why the long space"
You've got to hand it to Christopher Columbus, because he would have definitely taken it anyway & then murdered you
Facetime fulfills a secret human desire: to mostly look at yourself while talking to other people
As a woman, I die eggs year-round.
Clinton was on Between Two Bushes
HEADS UP: if I can't get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Today is International Men's Day. Not to be confused with all of history.
There was a lost bro at the train station this morning. I put a little bowl of Gatorade out for him & alerted the nearest frat.
SALARY NEGOTIATING TIPS FOR WOMEN: ask employer about their needs, apologize for existing, tell them you'll work a half day on your due date
A memory is a gif your heart makes
"Women are crazy!"
"Did one try to murder you unprovoked?"
"No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me."
I am a scrunched up napkin with recyclable dreams. Also a comedian in some cultures. Total drag in others. email: email@example.com
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