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Does anyone know how many calories you burn by sliding down a wall crying?
My hit song would be "Text Me Only"
I put on my pants just like you, reluctantly, when the doorbell rings.
“It’s like, I HAVE A NAME!”-Girl With a Pearl Earring to Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
HEADS UP: if I can't get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Any pizza can be a personal one if you cry while you eat it.
I wish there were gloryholes for hugs.
no one can follow Beyonce especially not the rest of the game
oh i get it we do the same thing every day until we die
brb looking up from my phone
whenever someone sneezes more than 3 times in a row, it's like get your life together
ATM: "Thank you for banking with Chase." Me: "Thank you for calling what I do 'banking'."
DID U KNO that the part of the brain that obsesses about someone not texting back used to be for figuring out if berries were mad at you
I like people who can put their money where my hand is
WHO AM I?-Everything Bagel
MISSED CONNECTION: You were an asteroid
Give a man a fish, and he’ll be like “Do I know you?” But teach a man to fish, and he’ll be like “Seriously, I’m calling the cops.”
White guys who brought acoustic guitars to BBQs, stand down. I repeat: STAND DOWN.
I am a scrunched up napkin with recyclable dreams. Also a comedian in some cultures. Total drag in others.