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Malala's college application essay: sup
A walks into a bar & the bartender's like "why the long space"
Clinton was on Between Two Bushes
You've got to hand it to Christopher Columbus, because he would have definitely taken it anyway & then murdered you
Does anyone know how many calories you burn by sliding down a wall crying?
Saying "I love you" for the first time is like guessing the wifi password for someone's heart
"Women are crazy!"
"Did one try to murder you unprovoked?"
"No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me."
I get out of bed like a grizzled cop with no new leads on a case he's been on for too long
My hit song would be "Text Me Only"
You may recognize me from not showing up to parties
HEADS UP: if I can't get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
had a terrible realization that there's at least one ballerina out there with a hoodie that says "BITCH PLIÉS"
Sometimes I feel sad for no reason but then I remember: a few reasons
Hey celebs, if you don't want people looking at nude photos of you, maybe you should take some responsibility & stop having a physical form.
I put on my pants just like you, reluctantly, when the doorbell rings.
If we aren't supposed to cry regularly, then why is our skin made of tissue
It's annoying when you gotta finish a water bottle at airport security but it's a real test of character when you gotta finish massage oil
"Comedy is acting out optimism."~Robin Williams
what a beautiful person who left so soon
I am a scrunched up napkin with recyclable dreams. Also a comedian in some cultures. Total drag in others.
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