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Malala's college application essay: sup
A walks into a bar & the bartender's like "why the long space"
Clinton was on Between Two Bushes
You've got to hand it to Christopher Columbus, because he would have definitely taken it anyway & then murdered you
Does anyone know how many calories you burn by sliding down a wall crying?
Saying "I love you" for the first time is like guessing the wifi password for someone's heart
My hit song would be "Text Me Only"
You may recognize me from not showing up to parties
"Women are crazy!"
"Did one try to murder you unprovoked?"
"No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me."
HEADS UP: if I can't get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
had a terrible realization that there's at least one ballerina out there with a hoodie that says "BITCH PLIÉS"
Sometimes I feel sad for no reason but then I remember: a few reasons
Hey celebs, if you don't want people looking at nude photos of you, maybe you should take some responsibility & stop having a physical form.
I put on my pants just like you, reluctantly, when the doorbell rings.
It's annoying when you gotta finish a water bottle at airport security but it's a real test of character when you gotta finish massage oil
"Comedy is acting out optimism."~Robin Williams
what a beautiful person who left so soon
If we aren't supposed to cry regularly, then why is our skin made of tissue
Have you ever peed so long you changed your mind on a significant social issue
I am a scrunched up napkin with recyclable dreams. Also a comedian in some cultures. Total drag in others.
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