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Does anyone know how many calories you burn by sliding down a wall crying?
My hit song would be "Text Me Only"
I put on my pants just like you, reluctantly, when the doorbell rings.
HEADS UP: if I can't get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
“It’s like, I HAVE A NAME!”-Girl With a Pearl Earring to Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Any pizza can be a personal one if you cry while you eat it.
I wish there were gloryholes for hugs.
no one can follow Beyonce especially not the rest of the game
oh i get it we do the same thing every day until we die
whenever someone sneezes more than 3 times in a row, it's like get your life together
DID U KNO that the part of the brain that obsesses about someone not texting back used to be for figuring out if berries were mad at you
brb looking up from my phone
ATM: "Thank you for banking with Chase." Me: "Thank you for calling what I do 'banking'."
I like people who can put their money where my hand is
WHO AM I?-Everything Bagel
MISSED CONNECTION: You were an asteroid
Give a man a fish, and he’ll be like “Do I know you?” But teach a man to fish, and he’ll be like “Seriously, I’m calling the cops.”
White guys who brought acoustic guitars to BBQs, stand down. I repeat: STAND DOWN.
I am a scrunched up napkin with recyclable dreams. Also a comedian in some cultures. Total drag in others.