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A walks into a bar & the bartender's like "why the long space"
Clinton was on Between Two Bushes
Does anyone know how many calories you burn by sliding down a wall crying?
Saying "I love you" for the first time is like guessing the wifi password for someone's heart
My hit song would be "Text Me Only"
You may recognize me from not showing up to parties
HEADS UP: if I can't get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Sometimes I feel sad for no reason but then I remember: a few reasons
Hey celebs, if you don't want people looking at nude photos of you, maybe you should take some responsibility & stop having a physical form.
I put on my pants just like you, reluctantly, when the doorbell rings.
It's annoying when you gotta finish a water bottle at airport security but it's a real test of character when you gotta finish massage oil
"Comedy is acting out optimism."~Robin Williams
what a beautiful person who left so soon
Have you ever peed so long you changed your mind on a significant social issue
“It’s like, I HAVE A NAME!”-Girl With a Pearl Earring to Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
oh i get it we do the same thing every day until we die
Dubai is like if a space station and a mall got married
Idea: tinder but for nearby cookies
I wish there were gloryholes for hugs.
I am a scrunched up napkin with recyclable dreams. Also a comedian in some cultures. Total drag in others.
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