Does anyone know how many calories you burn by sliding down a wall crying?

My hit song would be "Text Me Only"

I put on my pants just like you, reluctantly, when the doorbell rings.

“It’s like, I HAVE A NAME!”-Girl With a Pearl Earring to Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

HEADS UP: if I can't get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

Any pizza can be a personal one if you cry while you eat it.

I wish there were gloryholes for hugs.

no one can follow Beyonce especially not the rest of the game

This ingredient both interests and terrifies me http://t.co/Tw4nUHa0

oh i get it we do the same thing every day until we die

brb looking up from my phone

whenever someone sneezes more than 3 times in a row, it's like get your life together

ATM: "Thank you for banking with Chase." Me: "Thank you for calling what I do 'banking'."

DID U KNO that the part of the brain that obsesses about someone not texting back used to be for figuring out if berries were mad at you

LIESTRONG

I like people who can put their money where my hand is

WHO AM I?-Everything Bagel

MISSED CONNECTION: You were an asteroid

Give a man a fish, and he’ll be like “Do I know you?” But teach a man to fish, and he’ll be like “Seriously, I’m calling the cops.”

White guys who brought acoustic guitars to BBQs, stand down. I repeat: STAND DOWN.