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A handful of almonds is a sensible snack to throw in someone's face & demand where the real snacks are
I think we all knew Prince would leave the party before it got lame, even if it was his party.
Don't be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Malala's college application essay: sup
I once dated an apostrophe. Too possessive.
A walks into a bar & the bartender's like "why the long space"
You've got to hand it to Christopher Columbus, because he would have definitely taken it anyway & then murdered you
As a woman, I die eggs year-round.
Clinton was on Between Two Bushes
Today is International Men's Day. Not to be confused with all of history.
A memory is a gif your heart makes
"Women are crazy!"
"Did one try to murder you unprovoked?"
"No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me."
HEADS UP: if I can't get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Being an adult means learning someone said something mean about you & instead of freaking out, you tattoo "breathe" on your wrist
When Netflix asks you if you're still watching & it's kind of like "wow I thought this was a safe space"
maybe he wanna be prez because ted cruz already looks like he's wearing a bank robber mask of his own face
I am a scrunched up napkin with recyclable dreams. Also a comedian in some cultures. Total drag in others. email: firstname.lastname@example.org
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