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A handful of almonds is a sensible snack to throw in someone's face & demand where the real snacks are
Malala's college application essay: sup
A walks into a bar & the bartender's like "why the long space"
Clinton was on Between Two Bushes
HEADS UP: if I can't get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Being an adult means learning someone said something mean about you & instead of freaking out, you tattoo "breathe" on your wrist
"Women are crazy!"
"Did one try to murder you unprovoked?"
"No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me."
Don't be part of the problem, be the whole problem
When Netflix asks you if you're still watching & it's kind of like "wow I thought this was a safe space"
Be respectful of your elders. But also your youngers. And especially your samesies. Try not to be a monster basically.
I get out of bed like a grizzled cop with no new leads on a case he's been on for too long
You've got to hand it to Christopher Columbus, because he would have definitely taken it anyway & then murdered you
If you're havin' girl problems I feel bad for you, son. We live in a patriarchal society where they're not considered as important or valid.
Does anyone know how many calories you burn by sliding down a wall crying?
I like my men like I like my coffee: with free wifi
A guy winked at me today & it's like, can I get that in cash
My top secret guide to mtg other singles:
1) see cute prospect
2) don't make eye contact
3) don't acknowledge in any way
4) continue w/life
Saying "I love you" for the first time is like guessing the wifi password for someone's heart
I am a scrunched up napkin with recyclable dreams. Also a comedian in some cultures. Total drag in others. email: firstname.lastname@example.org
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