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Clinton was on Between Two Bushes
Does anyone know how many calories you burn by sliding down a wall crying?
Saying "I love you" for the first time is like guessing the wifi password for someone's heart
My hit song would be "Text Me Only"
HEADS UP: if I can't get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
It's annoying when you gotta finish a water bottle at airport security but it's a real test of character when you gotta finish massage oil
You may recognize me from not showing up to parties
I put on my pants just like you, reluctantly, when the doorbell rings.
“It’s like, I HAVE A NAME!”-Girl With a Pearl Earring to Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
oh i get it we do the same thing every day until we die
Any pizza can be a personal one if you cry while you eat it.
I wish there were gloryholes for hugs.
no one can follow Beyonce especially not the rest of the game
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
DID U KNO that the part of the brain that obsesses about someone not texting back used to be for figuring out if berries were mad at you
whenever someone sneezes more than 3 times in a row, it's like get your life together
"Has your mouth been working out? Because hate is a strong word"-pickup artist going back in for round 2
brb looking up from my phone
ATM: "Thank you for banking with Chase." Me: "Thank you for calling what I do 'banking'."
I am a scrunched up napkin with recyclable dreams. Also a comedian in some cultures. Total drag in others.