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Malala's college application essay: sup
A walks into a bar & the bartender's like "why the long space"
Clinton was on Between Two Bushes
Being an adult means learning someone said something mean about you & instead of freaking out, you tattoo "breathe" on your wrist
HEADS UP: if I can't get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
"Women are crazy!"
"Did one try to murder you unprovoked?"
"No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me."
When Netflix asks you if you're still watching & it's kind of like "wow I thought this was a safe space"
Be respectful of your elders. But also your youngers. And especially your samesies. Try not to be a monster basically.
You've got to hand it to Christopher Columbus, because he would have definitely taken it anyway & then murdered you
If you're havin' girl problems I feel bad for you, son. We live in a patriarchal society where they're not considered as important or valid.
Don't be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Does anyone know how many calories you burn by sliding down a wall crying?
I like my men like I like my coffee: with free wifi
I get out of bed like a grizzled cop with no new leads on a case he's been on for too long
My top secret guide to mtg other singles:
1) see cute prospect
2) don't make eye contact
3) don't acknowledge in any way
4) continue w/life
A guy winked at me today & it's like, can I get that in cash
Saying "I love you" for the first time is like guessing the wifi password for someone's heart
it's not delivery, it's not Digiorno, it's a third thing we've never seen before god help us all
I am a scrunched up napkin with recyclable dreams. Also a comedian in some cultures. Total drag in others. email: firstname.lastname@example.org
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