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All Lives Matter feels like a stranger showing up at someone's funeral & going "Hey guys, it's actually my birthday today, so could we not?"
A handful of almonds is a sensible snack to throw in someone's face & demand where the real snacks are
I think we all knew Prince would leave the party before it got lame, even if it was his party.
There is no major media coverage of this act of terrorism. Waiting for All Lives Matter to say something.
Don't be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Malala's college application essay: sup
Oh dear, it looks like Mr. Trump plagiarized his speech from a septic tank
I once dated an apostrophe. Too possessive.
A walks into a bar & the bartender's like "why the long space"
You've got to hand it to Christopher Columbus, because he would have definitely taken it anyway & then murdered you
RNC DRINKING GAME: drink every time...that's it. drink every time.
Facetime fulfills a secret human desire: to mostly look at yourself while talking to other people
As a woman, I die eggs year-round.
Clinton was on Between Two Bushes
HEADS UP: if I can't get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Getting older is just a slow parade of different body parts going "um, actually"
Today is International Men's Day. Not to be confused with all of history.
There was a lost bro at the train station this morning. I put a little bowl of Gatorade out for him & alerted the nearest frat.
I am a scrunched up napkin with recyclable dreams. Also a comedian in some cultures. Total drag in others. email: email@example.com
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