Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who a good boy is.

Twitter is like an early warning system for stupid news. It is the canary in the zombie apocalypse.

That's odd. My iPhone just autocorrected "motherfucker" to "motherfuckers." I guess what it's saying is there are a lot of you out there.

I really wish someone would have told me you can't open the windows on a plane before I farted.

I'm starting to think the cat doesn't even speak English. If you're going to live in a place, you could at least learn the fucking language.

My GF always comes in when the cat's watching porn. Obviously, I think that stuff's disgusting.

Seriously, the cat is into some weird shit.

Sometimes I wish you people were real.

I don't know how to tell my parents they're adopted.

I kissed a squirrel and I liked it. I think I'm the one who's really challenging social norms here, Katy Perry.

I just realized I could combine the words "crab" and "rabbit" and now I can't sleep cause oh my fucking god crabbits.

You know, my sex life would probably be more interesting if you really could bore the pants off someone.

You have no idea how much I hate you guys when I'm not funny.

I don't like to think of myself as out of work. I prefer to think of myself as Freelancelot, Knight of the Unemployed Table.

A pessimist is a person who thinks the glass is half empty. An optimist is an idiot.

I just spent an hour at the dentist gagging. And when the hygienist was done my face was all wet. This must be what it's like to do porn.

I think some of you are taking this the wrong way. Yeah, I'm following you. But I'm not *in* follow with you.

Seriously, why should I give MY hard-earned candy to somebody else's kids? I'm not the one who had the unprotected sex, you cheapskates.

What's the rule again? Beer then liquor... sailor's delight? Or red sky at morning?

I'm fucked.

Deep down I just want to be loved.

Also, deep down I prefer cowgirl or doggie.

Objects in Twitter are dumber than they appear.