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Really Jim Morrison? Follow the ancient snake to the lake? You sure that's where he's going? You're not just saying that because it rhymes?
What's the deal with airline food? It all tastes like nickels. #signsseinfeldishavingastroke
I'm not worried about this boomerang... yet.
I don't want to seem nitpicky, but I also don't want to seem like a guy covered in nits.
FUN FACT: Did you know Dick Clark used to host American Bandstand before he became Ryan Seacrest's Picture of Dorian Gray?
Next time Jesus comes, we should have him die for all the shows we liked that were cancelled.
As an agnostic I have one belief: flash your lights at a car whose headlights are off and they'll kill you as part of their gang initiation.
About what percentage of your tweets should actually be covert messages to your ex? 90? 95?
Did you know spaghetti was invented in China? You did if you've ever talked to a boring person.
Why yes, my refrigerator is running... for AIDS awareness.
Shine on, you crazy diamond. Seriously, what kind of crazy diamond just stops shining?
The longer I know someone the less I use exclamation marks when texting them.
It's my dream that one day a handsome millionaire will come into my life and retweet all my old tweets.
"Punctuation and grammar are my pet peeves." = "I learned a set of rules in the 3rd grade and I've been a real asshole about it ever since."
For Toto the whole movie was in black and white.
Hey Christians, I know you guys are really into the Bible, and that's cool. But, have you ever seen this show Firefly?
"It's Ross and Rachel, not Ross and Robot." -Bigots in 2000 years
FUN FACT: Wyoming is roughly the same size as a ridiculously gigantic Monopoly board.
The Sprockets movie is Mike Myers' white whale.