My gas light came on in my car so I quickly plugged my iPhone in.

My boyfriend and I broke up and I'm just... I don't know, do you think he'll stop following me on instagram? I don't want to lose a follower

I've just been too emotionally stable to tweet.

Just stay with rich daddy, Annie. Chanel feels good on the skin.

Guys stop unfollowing me. You followed and now we're going to be together forever so just get used to this.

I really feel like going bowling but my boyfriend hates bowling and I don't have a boyfriend.

I don't like when babies give me attention when I'm trying to have a depressing dinner alone at this restaurant. I can't play now, baby.

Uh. Okay, officer but I wasn't texting. I was picking a filter for this Instagram. Willow or Valencia?

Sometimes I think people follow me just so I'll follow them and then they unfollow me once I do. Don't worry, guys. I always fall for it.

Sometimes I get lost in thought while I'm brushing my teeth and end up brushing for longer than two mins lol what do you guys do on Fridays

Is anyone else in a Cosby sweater and glasses reading a real newspaper at Starbucks wishing wishing someone would Instagram you?

Sometimes I think "maybe if you knew how to cook more stuff we'd be married April" But then I'm like "shut up you dumb B!" And we buy pizza

Let's get that yippy dog upstairs some poison, shall we?

I need to hurry and have a baby. My eggs keep falling out.

I don't like when people say "gang bang"

If we hang out on the reg, I just ask that you keep snacks on your person at all times in case I need snacks for snacking on at snack time

I should really wear my glasses when I drive. I thought the thing was a puppy so I swerved but it was a cat. What a waste :-/

I don't want to do this yoga if I'm going to get camel toe like homegirl.

Yesterday I had 160 followers and today I have 183 followers and guess what. Most of the new ones are girls that want to have sex. Flattered

I like when people call me a hipster so I can deny it all hipstery like.