Great. Another subpoena from @real_kaplan's asshole lawyer in Tallahassee. Fuck you Peter. Fuck you.

We can't do jokes like this in the U.S.A. so thank goodness the Brits still can. Because it's funny as hell:  http://j.mp/14U9v91 

You know folks, if you don't get blocked by at least one minor celebrity, you're not doing Twitter right.

Folks, if you're not following @real_kaplan 's descent into crack hell, you're not living the good life.

Thankful my life is fulfilling enough I don't have to wait in a line all night long just to spend money on unfulfilling crap y'all.

Not happy with @usaa. Had to call them 2 days after filing claim then told I have to find a damage appraiser. WTH am I paying $6k/yr for?

Hydrocodone and Natural Light. And a bowl of lukewarm lentil soup. God bless, y'all

Has there ever been as great a rock and roll song as The Flaming Lips' "Pilot Can at the Queer of God?" I think not kids, I think not.

@steveroggenbuck Wash your brain with good music and good words and you'll be fine.

Kids, this is what the Internet was invented for: Maximus Thor  http://youtu.be/hsxx_wrHVz0  (via @slacktory)

Arsenal vs Sunderland on ESPN live this morning? Didn't we win a fucking war 200+ years ago so we wouldn't have to put up with this shit?

Don't mess with @real_kaplan. He's a fuckerRT @hard_band: @aquatone282 Did you really get subpoena? That would be a bit ridiculous if you di

Actually, think I'll do that anyways. Fuck Cam.

In a Florida Panhandle bar waiting on a girl who claims to have read William Shirer's "The Third Reich." Happy.

Yeah, not watching English soccer on FOX. We fought an 8 year war of independence so we wouldn't have to do that on our Sundays.

Some Yankees fan was just immortalized for 5 seconds after his "Hey, Cabrera! Nice haircut!" taunt got picked up on TBS.

Where's @real_kaplan when you need himRT @tao_lin: there should be a meme or rumor involving 'philip roth' and 'sega genesis,' maybe fake co

-1 you suck booRT @elibraden If you give the chef at Benihana $100 he'll roast his dick on the grill for 10 seconds

Canada. God bless. MT @hollyvonsinn It's my party! Photo by Drew May. #nofilter #burlesque #yeg #girl #boobies  http://instagram.com/p/ZVt0exBtWF/ 

God bless Canada y'all (via @hollyvonsinn)  http://instagram.com/p/Xz2RHcBtQC/