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To Most Christians, the Bible is like User Agreement. Nobody actually reads it, they just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree"
Success is like being pregnant.. Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were fucked before you got there!
My GF and I have different ways of cleaning the toilet. She uses clorox and rinses twice. I piss as hard as I can at the shit stains!
The lady at the DMV asked for my street name...I told her I didn't have one...People just call me Anthony.
A slut is a woman with the morals of a man.
Can I just drop it like it's lukewarm? It's been a long day and I'm beat.
Everthing these days is made in China....Except Babies... They're made in VaChina.
Twitter - Whrere Guys pretend to be funny for for female attention and Women pretend to slutty for male attention.
Darth Vader: "I made you some toast., but it's a bit on the..... Dark Side".
Favstar is like High School.... All the popular kids get "Favorited and Re-Tweeted" while I sit in the corner and masterbate.
Ethical question: If you find a wallet with a $100 and a business card with an address in it, do you recycle the card or throw it away?
If Twitter icons have taught me anything.... it's that the male eye can spot cleavage at incredibly low resolutions.
John Elway's house was egged this week. Police said 2 out of 20 eggs hit the house, Tim Tebow was arrested in connection to the egging.
If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.
Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people!
A new morning after pill now works five full days after sex. Soon you can take a pill to kill your kid in his dorm room.
Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal" or
MBA Student who's Day Trading his way to the Million Dollar Round Table!
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