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Son, I need to tell you something. You were adapted. Into a screenplay. Your life story will be a film. About adoption. You were adopted.
Twitter's original name was "Sentence Contest"
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
There's an alternate universe where teens can even.
My favorite sex position is 10 (falling asleep next to a pizza).
Thought of a fun idea for a commercial: a husband's like "derr, I made a mess" & the wife's like "what am I gonna do with this guy, right?"
I'm at a hockey game and the players weren't really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled "come on" and then they tried harder.
If I ever get hit by a car I hope it's not while I'm carrying a pizza because then I'll be upset about two things.
None of the dogs who lost at the dog show know they lost or that they're at a dog show or that they're dogs.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
BREAKING: my high school acquaintance is grateful for her amazing hubby
Iris, do I have dyslexia?
So, is there a MR Paint?
Special K diet:
1. Bowl of cereal for breakfast
2. Bowl of cereal for lunch
3. Sensible dinner
4. Murder everyone
1993 Life Goal: to be rich and famous
2003 Life Goal: to be financially secure and well-known
2013 Life Goal: to own a washing machine
Wedding Idea: instead of centerpieces, just have a bunch of outlets on the table so guests can charge their phones.
Remember how far away 1968 seemed in 1990? That's 1990 now. Have a great night!
I'm confident but not "lean on a stranger's car" confident.
And on the 2,807,413th day God was like "What else, what else.... how about a car horn that plays a song."