Son, I need to tell you something. You were adapted. Into a screenplay. Your life story will be a film. About adoption. You were adopted.

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.

Twitter's original name was "Sentence Contest"

My favorite sex position is 10 (falling asleep next to a pizza).

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

Remember how far away 1968 seemed in 1990? That's 1990 now. Have a great night!

Thought of a fun idea for a commercial: a husband's like "derr, I made a mess" & the wife's like "what am I gonna do with this guy, right?"

And on the 2,807,413th day God was like "What else, what else.... how about a car horn that plays a song."

So, is there a MR Paint?

Times Square is the Ed Hardy of New Year's Eve.

Iris, do I have dyslexia?

"Tyler Perry Presents: Tyler Perry PRESENTS!" -Tyler Perry having fun on Christmas morning

WHERE MY VERBS AT?

Let's never change the definition of traditional marriage, which is between one man and one woman, whom he owns.

Here's a non-sarcastic tweet: It's 2013 and we're STILL arguing about equal rights for human beings. Holy shit. How embarrassing.

16: I got ID'd. :(
21: I got ID'd!!!
26: I got ID'd.
31: I got ID'd?
36: I got ID'd!!!

I hope God is almost done putting people on this earth to sing.

Congrats on your 50 star tweets, everyone!  http://twitpic.com/bg2wew 

A gay athlete? What's next, TOTAL ACCEPTANCE? Oh, it IS next? Good.

IF GAY MARRIAGE IS LEGALIZED, WHAT'S NEXT, SOCIETY CONTINUING TO EVOLVE?