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Son, I need to tell you something. You were adapted. Into a screenplay. Your life story will be a film. About adoption. You were adopted.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Twitter's original name was "Sentence Contest"
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
My favorite sex position is 10 (falling asleep next to a pizza).
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Thought of a fun idea for a commercial: a husband's like "derr, I made a mess" & the wife's like "what am I gonna do with this guy, right?"
Iris, do I have dyslexia?
So, is there a MR Paint?
BREAKING: my high school acquaintance is grateful for her amazing hubby
None of the dogs who lost at the dog show know they lost or that they're at a dog show or that they're dogs.
1993 Life Goal: to be rich and famous
2003 Life Goal: to be financially secure and well-known
2013 Life Goal: to own a washing machine
Special K diet:
1. Bowl of cereal for breakfast
2. Bowl of cereal for lunch
3. Sensible dinner
4. Murder everyone
Remember how far away 1968 seemed in 1990? That's 1990 now. Have a great night!
And on the 2,807,413th day God was like "What else, what else.... how about a car horn that plays a song."
I'm confident but not "lean on a stranger's car" confident.
I'm at a hockey game and the players weren't really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled "come on" and then they tried harder.
WHERE MY VERBS AT?
KIM & NORTH ARE IN A CAR.
KIM: Are we going northwest?
NORTH: Going where?
Times Square is the Ed Hardy of New Year's Eve.