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  • ariscott
      Ari Scott @ariscott

    Son, I need to tell you something. You were adapted. Into a screenplay. Your life story will be a film. About adoption. You were adopted.

    • 3,981
    • FAVS
    savvystewNiall_GaffblitemanumbrellajaneWinNelsonSean_O_Kathll101shelbyridenerx0
    • 1,840
    • RETWEETS
    scronk67sanchezjohnnypatrykEgicalamahogany_xoxgrandmablazer_realslimgradyPapercutFiles_purefaze
    stockejockgreenteam15alien_sushiMickey_McCauleyRowdyBowden
  • ariscott
      Ari Scott @ariscott

    Twitter's original name was "Sentence Contest"

    • 2,397
    • FAVS
    valzhogansummers_sonnyAndyPitzMountainRaptorJosephSantanosahvast_yeidgaf_987Girl_Censored
    • 1,260
    • RETWEETS
    heatheruusummers_sonnywriter420ahvast_yeslippery_sloperOcMeisterpaulnyakaturaMcCutty1
    UNTRESORloveletterbombs
  • ariscott
      Ari Scott @ariscott

    I'm at a hockey game and the players weren't really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled "come on" and then they tried harder.

    • 2,172
    • FAVS
    TweetingDadGuythebestmonkeyrosacorakSandramaria_78AndreassonOlofJoelmustonenPyarAnderssonsanchezjohnny
    • 876
    • RETWEETS
    sanchezjohnnyLukasMaul2HipsterkattenJakobNergardalyssmanningap_LarssonstessonJesperGrann
    Stellacopter
  • ariscott
      Ari Scott @ariscott

    I'm sad [deletes]
    Ever feel such deep despair th [deletes]
    There is so much pain insi [deletes]
    BURRITOS RULE LOL [send]

    • 2,159
    • FAVS
    sanchezjohnnyaysima_karcishiravilnum_skullzclairejordan___jilliann1DFAAOSjadelcolle
    • 872
    • RETWEETS
    yaleosubmarinekatherineanneeebitchyborgesLentz_AnnaunresolveejordonbabcockSoon_94CitliMarquezR
    kDuncanG
  • ariscott
      Ari Scott @ariscott

    Parents' houses: where 8pm feels like midnight.

    • 1,962
    • FAVS
    joantabermichelleveganEvanKaufmansardeeenlex6mankaaa98erecendez21danielle_0827
    • 839
    • RETWEETS
    danielle_0827SheDoneGoodbgirl314bmer8jahkeyyyThee1_4UppaulinaxoxoCamFitzCole
  • ariscott
      Ari Scott @ariscott

    Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene / you are not responsible for the choices my husband makes

    • 1,479
    • FAVS
    gyanadracecheeahs0edipussyKatelynkinnzdlqgwynnegatiffancyherspbarney
    • 945
    • RETWEETS
    ceciliasolzMollyJones212teldrynemilynietveltduke_duke_gooseOttUncensoredkinseyholleyspbarney
  • ariscott
      Ari Scott @ariscott

    For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.

    • 1,251
    • FAVS
    iEmsterdemNiall_GaffsanchezjohnnyOutofmyIndyheadTheSolClarkeDrTGeldenhuysReticentTurnipgreen_eyed_doll
    • 1,056
    • RETWEETS
    RoosnotesNiall_GaffDrTGeldenhuystomwicks92NickC46krishna_vanGnobrinA_Bike_Guy
    ElifcelloCthunicorn
  • ariscott
      Ari Scott @ariscott

    I've spent 30 years thinking about how Molly Ringwald's sushi lunch in The Breakfast Club was sitting in a warm library for 4 hours.

    • 1,566
    • FAVS
    TraceHughes20chuchugoogootheblowoutleeshknowsallkitcat7504danielle_0827becbunnydrunkwhitebae
    • 684
    • RETWEETS
    snarllllerikapelagosarahhtoninnkleemartqueenofthechillSafiyaxox_heathennfantaasea
  • ariscott
      Ari Scott @ariscott

    We don't like catcalling.
    BUT HAVE YOU CONSIDERED--
    We don't like catcalling.
    LOOK AT IT THIS WAY--
    We don't like catcalling.
    OKAY BUT--

    • 1,055
    • FAVS
    Milase_kmyglazedfaceHebatheawesomeEwItsBerkeleynrulasonnayomirFBIOfficalSoulGloProject
    • 704
    • RETWEETS
    realsarahbaxterTori_DuffinTBeckhusenkatierenee88LZ_BrianneAmandaPflaumerbobbinsleakFrizFrizzle
  • ariscott
      Ari Scott @ariscott

    Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

    • 983
    • FAVS
    Niall_Gaffsanchezjohnnykrishna_vanBownuggetsdivadeb99myglazedfacePixelatedL0veStacyA600
    • 338
    • RETWEETS
    sanchezjohnnykrishna_vandivadeb99myglazedfaceStacyA600hewasntrobderozKendra130
    WhatevaConc
  • ariscott
      Ari Scott @ariscott

    Thought of a fun idea for a commercial: a husband's like "derr, I made a mess" & the wife's like "what am I gonna do with this guy, right?"

    • 986
    • FAVS
    sanchezjohnnyBownuggetsmyglazedfaceGreeblehausHrBrystockejockredherringbearnocturnallyme
    • 311
    • RETWEETS
    sanchezjohnnynocturnallymeLetdownLizzieTwetterless_SamMoreCabellmarcthemayerdagnabbitttnickintheback
    Manda_like_wine
  • ariscott
      Ari Scott @ariscott

    None of the dogs who lost at the dog show know they lost or that they're at a dog show or that they're dogs.

    • 746
    • FAVS
    sanchezjohnnymyglazedfaceEsteCanIHrBrystockejockjasgrenyoyohanotoriousPOB
    • 535
    • RETWEETS
    sanchezjohnnysschu22739phoebeluheckchuckmanhdr_ricCaressLeporedanielpmcdermotgvozdinsky
  • ariscott
      Ari Scott @ariscott

    If I ever get hit by a car I hope it's not while I'm carrying a pizza because then I'll be upset about two things.

    • 708
    • FAVS
    sanchezjohnnyneophilAyahjackofffrosttmyglazedfaceRachel_Matthewsmaddykuperfranke_my_dear__lehmKJ
    • 456
    • RETWEETS
    kellyvdatrilamesupremesanchezjohnnymaurocp95FowldozerMariana_Legaspitweetswithemilymaddykuper
  • ariscott
      Ari Scott @ariscott

    Hey commercials, thanks anyway but we're poor.

    • 718
    • FAVS
    Ashleyx7812Niall_GaffdariuusJannabugKaydee_CarrLachys_no1_fanbjschmstacijanik
    • 320
    • RETWEETS
    PrestonJacobson__dariuusHamdanRizviBroken_BroaddebobanrjRay_Gun007maurieb82GriffinShamara
  • ariscott
      Ari Scott @ariscott

    There's an alternate universe where teens can even.

    • 642
    • FAVS
    myglazedfaceGreeblehausstockejockyoyohaLetdownLizzielawblobDBwiddaDBDoctorakgo
    • 392
    • RETWEETS
    LetdownLizziestephvelazqzjohnburke_94ellenmcMissAmandaaNMohamedSamir__neongrapetreepee
    julygdiaz
  • ariscott
      Ari Scott @ariscott

    It's New Year's Eve! Headed to Times Square? Here's my advice:

    1. No
    2. Do not go there
    3. What are you doing
    4. Go somewhere else
    5. Stop

    • 603
    • FAVS
    calacaserenadelavandshirleyrobbykarol___asholeaaydohhudsonhongohopeful_mdTNtales
    • 420
    • RETWEETS
    austynp5yeshstupidchickenDaveCZombielysergicgrafitiErinJewkes409WMarketYourComicMuse
  • ariscott
      Ari Scott @ariscott

    Weird how people in depression medication commercials are looking out windows, not at twitter.

    • 693
    • FAVS
    ivy_chai8BromanConsulsaluki008cluebucketPetiteRainCitymiss_foofoomyglazedfaceOrfaalicia
    • 260
    • RETWEETS
    ivy_chai8kelseybunerrrnahmiss_foofoomyglazedfaceAliceTasmanw0dloganbryon
  • ariscott
      Ari Scott @ariscott

    My favorite sex position is 10 (falling asleep next to a pizza).

    • 636
    • FAVS
    myglazedfaceHrBryyoyohaLetdownLizzieWhatevaConcjackcarterhayleymettenetWhatsoup_
    • 285
    • RETWEETS
    WhatevaConccodyreuschelnate_chocoMcSwtrvstKimmyMonteDBwiddaDBMullingHagelhey_roldy
    Phylan
  • ariscott
      Ari Scott @ariscott

    If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

    • 524
    • FAVS
    BownuggetsmyglazedfaceGreeblehausyoyohaLetdownLizzieJethicagiruaroezgisenagurbuz
    • 252
    • RETWEETS
    LetdownLizzieYinYang83951509rachelboughton3vanessasraeblanchardMollyBolf5UnaCruickshankWhiskeyBurrito
    SCbchbum
  • ariscott
      Ari Scott @ariscott

    Robin Williams' impression of a hot dog is still one of the funniest things I have ever seen. pic.twitter.com/efu9wu4CJG

    • 469
    • FAVS
    TheTeenTitans__abigorosito1NicolasRezzano1fioreviglioniMrsSuzieQKortnieCat101itsKimMichelleTonySwitzer
    • 287
    • RETWEETS
    fioreviglioniMrsSuzieQTonySwitzerMeghanAngeliniGracelbloomRobeana123Kaydiz_SidKortis
@ariscott

@ariscott

Writer. UCB. Pictures. Dogs.