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Son, I need to tell you something. You were adapted. Into a screenplay. Your life story will be a film. About adoption. You were adopted.
Twitter's original name was "Sentence Contest"
I'm at a hockey game and the players weren't really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled "come on" and then they tried harder.
I'm sad [deletes]
Ever feel such deep despair th [deletes]
There is so much pain insi [deletes]
BURRITOS RULE LOL [send]
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I've spent 30 years thinking about how Molly Ringwald's sushi lunch in The Breakfast Club was sitting in a warm library for 4 hours.
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene / you are not responsible for the choices my husband makes
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Thought of a fun idea for a commercial: a husband's like "derr, I made a mess" & the wife's like "what am I gonna do with this guy, right?"
None of the dogs who lost at the dog show know they lost or that they're at a dog show or that they're dogs.
If I ever get hit by a car I hope it's not while I'm carrying a pizza because then I'll be upset about two things.
There's an alternate universe where teens can even.
Weird how people in depression medication commercials are looking out windows, not at twitter.
My favorite sex position is 10 (falling asleep next to a pizza).
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I've never paid attention to a scene with a dead body in it because I like to see if I can catch the actor breathing.
BREAKING: my high school acquaintance is grateful for her amazing hubby
So, is there a MR Paint?