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Son, I need to tell you something. You were adapted. Into a screenplay. Your life story will be a film. About adoption. You were adopted.
Twitter's original name was "Sentence Contest"
I'm at a hockey game and the players weren't really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled "come on" and then they tried harder.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Thought of a fun idea for a commercial: a husband's like "derr, I made a mess" & the wife's like "what am I gonna do with this guy, right?"
None of the dogs who lost at the dog show know they lost or that they're at a dog show or that they're dogs.
If I ever get hit by a car I hope it's not while I'm carrying a pizza because then I'll be upset about two things.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
There's an alternate universe where teens can even.
My favorite sex position is 10 (falling asleep next to a pizza).
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I've never paid attention to a scene with a dead body in it because I like to see if I can catch the actor breathing.
BREAKING: my high school acquaintance is grateful for her amazing hubby
I'm sad [deletes]
Ever feel such deep despair th [deletes]
There is so much pain insi [deletes]
BURRITOS RULE LOL [send]
So, is there a MR Paint?
Iris, do I have dyslexia?
Special K diet:
1. Bowl of cereal for breakfast
2. Bowl of cereal for lunch
3. Sensible dinner
4. Murder everyone
1993 Life Goal: to be rich and famous
2003 Life Goal: to be financially secure and well-known
2013 Life Goal: to own a washing machine
When in doubt, just know that nobody knows anything or has any idea what they're doing.