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Osama Bin Laden is dead! Lesson: If you mess with America, we will kill you in a decade or so.
I'm tired of apes flaunting their denser skeletons over us all the time. Maybe humans have better things to do than fall out of trees, jerks
I think of how stupid NASCAR is but then I remember people watched chariot races back in ancient Rome. That shit is never going away.
If I am ever on Jeopardy, my "about me" story will be long and boring and take up the entire episode.
Parts of my family are from Sweden, so if you ever ask me to assemble furniture for you or repair your clock then you are being racist.
Maybe fire doesn't hurt everybody and you are just allergic to it. #theory
All I really need to do is figure out precisely how fast my beard grows and I will no longer need to own a calendar. #facetime
Bees die when they sting people. This is proof that they don't sting people because of self-preservation, but do it purely out of spite.
The Eiffel Tower was made entirely so that you could tell when characters are in France in movies, I think.
If ebooks replace normal books, humanity will have lost one of its greatest weapons in dealing with spiders.
There should be a support group for people who constantly get into internet arguments.
Fuck regular, non-vertical farms. This is the future. Regular farms are like the least futuristic thing I can think of. #hoverbarns
Only in hipsterism can people who hate modern consumerist culture find common ground with people who wear dumb hats to get attention.
Someone called me mean today! I of course had all of her personal belongings destroyed for suggesting that I am not always nice to everyone.
Linguistic fact: we have silent "gh"s because we are dumb and also because of Celtic language influences but mostly because we are dumb.
Having a politician named McGovern is not good enough. We need one named Paul Itician.
Every description of what a cult is also perfectly describes the X-Men.
Reminder that everything you like is produced by slave labor and sweatshops and child labor and that you are a terrible person.
Salsa should just be a public utility and be piped into people's houses like water. Spicy mustard should also be like this.
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