Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don't have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

First rule of ADHD club: Never talk about..Nice hat. You ever own a hamster? I did. Died. Watch me do a cartwheel! Ok, who wants brownies?

9yo: Look what I made!
Me: What?
9yo: I taped 2 toilet rolls & made binoculars!
Me: Great.*Holds up iPhone* This is what 9yos in China make.

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy's using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike

First rule of Thesaurus Club: You do not talk, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, or converse about Thesaurus Club.

Yea? Well who died & made you Batman?

Oh crap..that's right.

Bruce, I'm so sorry. Come on, dude, don't cry. Seriously, where you going?

Those of you wondering what its like to be married: Just found out this morning I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having...

I speak both universal languages:

1. English
2. Louder & slower English

Coworker just asked me if I'm "working hard or hardly working" & now I'm standing over him asking if he's "bleeding bad or badly bleeding?"

I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. He chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me he will never trust another human being again.

Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn't see himself in a mirror.

If someone you follow tweets something that makes you laugh, don't be selfish. Retweet that shit. I want to see it too.

Sucks how our 3 yr old can watch TV naked on the couch eating ham, and it's "cute" but when I do it it's "disgusting" & "rude to our guests"

Boss: "Thanks for making me my coffee. You know what'd go well with this?"
Me: "The antidote?"
Boss: "No, a nice..Wait, what?"
Me: "Nothing"

Our 1yo: Boat!
Me: That IS a boat! So clever!
Him: Boat!
Me: Boat!
Him: Boat!
Me: ..
Him: Boat!
Me: I SEE THE FUCKIN BOAT!
Him: FUCKIN BOAT!

Car broke down. Seen enough Man vs Wild to survive. 20mins later when the tow truck showed up I was drinking urine out of a poodle's skull.

Whenever I'm picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell "Come with me if you want to live!" so she knows she married pure awesomeness

I think my "Check Liver" light just came on...

Me: My friend really likes you.
Her: I'm a lesbian.
Me: Ah ok...
Her: ...
Me: ...
Her: ...
Me: So... What part of Lesbia are you from?