Skeptical about everything human beings say about anything.

I bet Mitt Romney's ex-girlfriends called him Mittens.

Does it make me a hero if I carry 5 iPhone chargers on me at all times?

Unspoken awkward action: having to change the toilet paper in someone else's house.

Glad that you don't have to deal with the smell of brain farts. Can you imagine?

BREAKING NEWS: People who deactivate their Facebook appear to be more evolved. Don't be fooled.

Listening to Bright Eyes in the summer foreshadows the withdrawals for pumpkin spice flavored things.

I have yet to meet a Chad who doesn't get drunk every night.

Ok, I gotta go. The people who take pictures with their iPads need to be saved.

Everyone in Trader Joe's looked like the cast of That's 70 Show.

"You are not the father!" -something Maury screams in his sleep, probably

Finding a new pair of running shoes is harder than running.

Sext: There, their and they're

Reduce your carbon footprint by not responding to a text that reads "lol".

Cast iron skillet is my weapon choice.

Every time I get a friend request via Facebook my inner monologue whispers, "stranger danger".

Raccoons are the peeping toms of the wilderness.

It's almost April Fool's Day meaning every girl is going to pretend to be pregnant on Facebook.

Bagel thins are a disgrace to actual bagels.

I feel like I'm eating a cup of diversity when the container of yogurt reads "active cultures".