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@arundo_donax's (Standardized Crazy) most faved Tweets...
arundo_donax
"DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND ME? I NEED 22-GAUGE WIRE, YOU INCOMPETENT FUCK." So... show of hands: who ELSE has been kicked out of a Michaels?
@arundo_donax
arundo_donax
Walk-of-shaming it in my local Dunkin Donuts. Bless their white-collar socks for not judging me by my hair or my bralessness.
@arundo_donax
arundo_donax
Face down, ass up, that's the way I like to vomit
@arundo_donax
arundo_donax
Parents are home. GO GO GADGET TATTOO HIDING SKILLS!
@arundo_donax
arundo_donax
Hey God:

I've been pretty good lately. Want to award me by eradicating all tiny skinny blond girls? Thanks!

Love, Eva
@arundo_donax
arundo_donax
Best orgasm I've ever had: that McDonald's fry I just put in my mouth. Related: I need to have better sex.
@arundo_donax
arundo_donax
Team Edward or Team Jacob, you may ask. I'm Team Sterilize And Lobotomize Stephenie Meyer, is what goddamn team I am.
@arundo_donax
arundo_donax
Now that I've achieved self-actualization, my next thing to learn is how to light a cigarette without burning my hair.
@arundo_donax
arundo_donax
I think we're about to play wine pong. My friends should understand by now that I have really shitty ideas when I'm drunk.
@arundo_donax
arundo_donax
I just admitted to ex that I stole his Mars Volta shirt. I hope that motherfucker doesn't think he can have it back. SPOILS OF WAR, DUDE.
@arundo_donax
arundo_donax
I've had so many Jose Cuervo-inspired hangovers I might as well call them jangovers.
@arundo_donax
arundo_donax
A 16-year-old friend of mine gave her first blowjob last night and DIDN'T SWALLOW. Did I teach her NOTHING?
@arundo_donax
arundo_donax
Compliment of the night: "Eva, you a ghetto-ass Oompa Loompa." I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT MEANS BUT I AM HONORED.
@arundo_donax
arundo_donax
Tweeting from the toilet! It's harder for me than y'all with iPhones. I have a laptop on my lap right now. Complications shortly to ensue.
@arundo_donax
arundo_donax
Just found out my favorite Asian cafe is closing in 2 days. Clearly, the answer here is to eat my body weight in noodles.
@arundo_donax
arundo_donax
Oops, new all-time favorite literotica line: "His penis was roaring in painful protest to still being inside his pants." AHAHAHAHA.
@arundo_donax
arundo_donax
I don't think the 7 kids I'm babysitting for understand how bad I have to poop right now.
@arundo_donax
arundo_donax
We have "I kissed a girl & I liked it," now where's "I kissed a girl & I wasn't that into it/She didn't have a dick so I wasn't interested"?
@arundo_donax
arundo_donax
Kids are shooting suction-cup darts at Bob the Builder on TV. FINALLY, child behavior I can endorse. YEAH MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT IN THE EYE HAHA
@arundo_donax
arundo_donax
Me: "I WILL HUNT THAT MOTHERFUCKER DOWN LIKE A DOG IF I HAVE TO."

Passing acquaintance: "You stay classy, Eva."
@arundo_donax
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