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"Ooh, Ryan. Show us how your e-reader works." "All in good time, ladies. But first: who wants to play Indiana Jones on Super Nintendo?"
8
I wonder if Kirstie Alley is sufficiently delusional to feel small when she stands beside the ocean?
Sometimes I think I need a new butler. But then it's like "Nah, he's still got one thumb. We good."
4
MOM: "Jane. Don't use the F word. Or if you have to, use fudge."
ME: "Fuck with fudge? Whoa Mom."
MOM: "Nevermind.....use the F word."
ME: "Fuck with fudge? Whoa Mom."
MOM: "Nevermind.....use the F word."
10
Pad your article's word count by inserting a dirty limerick somewhere after the fourth paragraph where nobody will see it.
I'M DRIVING HOME WITH THE WINDOWS DOWN! AND IT'S SUNNY DAYLIGHT OUT AT 6PM! I THINK I MAY *STILL* BE HIGH FROM THAT XANAX! WHEEEEE!
14
"Sabbath" can signify "Saturday," "Sunday," or "ass-kicking metal," depending on the religion being referenced.
Attn. MARTA ride customers: In honor of St. Patty's, all bus drivers will be allowed to carry more than one bottle of Jameson.
2
I would ask you kids to ask me questions on formspring but I can tell you now that all of my answers will either be "vodka" or "Mila Kunis"
11
Relax, people. I know when you RT your sister you're not flirting.* I was just kidding.
*Not you, West Virginia.
*Not you, West Virginia.
The dog has his butt up in the air like he just don't care and it's adorabOH MY GOD WHAT HAS HE EATEN I THINK MY EYES ARE MELTING.
14
Attn. MARTA ride customers: Please stop calling the new buses "the new black buses." We can't afford to paint them gold.
3
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