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Who will parent her now that we are both on Twitter?
Every fucking time I take a fucking cab the fucking cab driver acts like I am the first fucking person to ask for a fucking receipt. #fuck
There will be no eye contact today.
Everyone will speak in low voices.
We will wear dark glasses.
For today is the day after the Open Bar.
I am somewhat disturbed by the fact that New Girl just took a business call from Stall 2. I know this because I am tweeting from Stall 3.
Stall 1: cockroach
Stall 2: left overs
Stall 3: pee seat
Stall 4: occupied.
These are the times that try a woman's soul.
Our five year old daughter's boyfriend's name is Deisel.
<hands husband glass of Scotch>
Seriously these are grown people with whom I used to discuss complex issues; art, life, politics, who now tend imaginary farms on facebook.
Neighborhood Wifi names:
And less than a block away...
But that one is always going down.
I am watching Kung Fu Panda. My kid is watching PBS. I have failed at something here. When she grows up, maybe she'll tell me what.
Guy sitting outside McDonalds begging, handwritten cardboard sign reads:
"Too ugly to prostitute."
Yes, yes you are.
Do you think "figured out how to play on Twitter at work w/o getting caught" is a challenge or achievement? Asking for my performance review
When you walk into my office while I am trying to tweet about you, I make typos. That pisses me off.
199 folllowers here on my wall, a 199 followers here....Take Bri.t.ney bot down, pass her around 198 followers here on my wall....
When you say this is due tomorrow, but you are off tomorrow, so you need it today, but the date you gave me is Monday, I stab you.
If you are going to insist that I wipe your ass for you, don't you dare critique how I do it.
I see New Girl is going as Wicked Witch of the East for Halloween. I shall crush her under the weight of this house and take her shoes.
I am a little drunk. You may have your way with me.
But not you, no.
And definitely not you.....
But you maybe. Call me! <wink>
When you shoplift at Nordstroms a very polite voice comes over the PA and says "Pardon me..."
Do not ask how I know that.
Like my boots?
Ya crazy intern, you don't toss left over coffee, you drink it till your heart explodes.
Right now I want my parka, but in April when it is the exact same temperature I'll be wearing shorts.