Sorry I quit listening after you said you have a motto.

You know how you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette? I feel dead inside.

Put yourself out there, then delete it as fast as you can before anybody sees it.

10% of my relationships is spent yelling “You’re on my hair!”

The line between sleeping in my clothes and wearing the clothes I sleep in has blurred.

I hate when people think I’m shy and don’t realize I hate them.

Hell hath no fury like a woman whom you won’t let see a picture of her you just took.

Even if I say “I’ll be there", I most likely won’t be there.

I'm single but it's serious.

I’m at my most suspicious when an anonymous stranger does something nice for me.

I think by who “wears the pants” you mean who “holds the remote” in this relationship.

Remember, things are going to get worse before they get a lot more worse.

Money can’t buy happiness. But living well is the best revenge. And the best revenge is happiness. What I’m saying is I feel dead inside.

The build up of sexting is awesome because you can tease each other till you gradually become so sexually frustrated you resent one another.

I imagine love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.

When someone says they have a cat, I think please let it be a bengal tiger please be a bengal tiger. But it never is. People are let downs.

Start softly whispering “Happy Birthday” to strangers. Eventually, it’ll have to be someone’s birthday.

Make any house party a house warming party by setting it on fire.

Parenting after your kids move out seems to be mostly just texting them “are you okay?” every few days.

Make eye contact with him during sex. Lock eyes. Target your opponent. Shoot lasers out your eyes. Pew Pew Pew. You won.