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How am I supposed to look on the bright side when Stanley Tucci is not yet my father?
I had a dream that someone made me a lot of waffles with Rice Krispie treats on top and I believe that's as good as it gets.
I AM EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH JULY 2013. Get in line to shake my hand. (My job makes me cry with sadness.)
Don't worry I spilled hot soup all over myself and cried on the kitchen floor today. Welcome to LA!!!
I leave for job #2 before the first episode of Will & Grace of the day is over so don't tell me I don't know about sacrifice.
I wonder if Daniel Day-Lewis has ever eaten a Ring Pop.
My style icon is a mix of George Costanza and Ann Veal.
If I were in Love Actually I would be Keira Knightley. JK I WOULD PROBABLY BE ONE OF THE AWKWARD SINGING TEACHERS.
A coworker said "the guy I like told me he sells lemonade as a job" and my response was "NO" so that's why I can't have friends.
Every person read this please. “@paulfeig: Yay, @katiedippold! You are a superstar. http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/2013/jul/21/katie-dippold-the-heat-comedy-interview …”
I guess being 26 means realizing I might be attracted to Bruce Willis.
Hey lemme pay you $20 to bring me some Cheetos and also to find me a solid plan for my life k cool see you in 5.
"I could have been born a dolphin..." - Where I'm at with things today.
"I shouldn't eat too much dip at this party so that I can eat more when I'm home alone tonight." - My mental state around 230pm today.
At work today someone asked me if I was my own twin and I STARED THEN SAID NO BECAUSE I AM A MORON.
Mother ended our phone call with "Another day, another dollar. (Sigh) Another broken dream."
I've had 3 different stepdads and I can tell you right now if ANY of them gave me an open heart necklace I would live in a cave.
One time a child came up to me and asked me if I was an orphan and that is a real thing that happened.