because i don't fucking get why you don't fucking get it. http://t.co/9ss6oVB8

you're doing shutting the fuck up wrong.

it could just be me, but does anyone else get their hopes up when they hit 88 miles per hour?

my eyes are stuck on roll.

most days i feel like a crouton of common sense floating in the soup of stupidity.

stop asking me "do you get what i'm saying?" the only thing i don't understand is why you're talking to me.

this chick told me twice that she "can't stand ignorancy," and her head didn't even explode.

what's up with that?

thinking about getting a chip tattooed on my shoulder.

probably erik estrada.

i would probably be considerably more interested in your stories if they were cake and you weren't talking.

the tears will end when you stop crying.

this just in: if your kid is a fucking asshole, it's because you're a fucking asshole.

i just waterboarded myself in the sink trying to get something outta my eye.

i was prepared to tell myself anything i wanted to know.

Guys let me know when someone steals my tweets Its the only way I'll know that "I've Arrived"

i'm not saying i don't appreciate a trail of tootsie rolls, but this feels like a trap.

please don't be afraid to get the fuck over yourself already.

either i'm a tad fucked up or this cat just said, "make a lap, motherfucker."

the guy avoiding eye contact at the four-way stop has zero intention of waiting his turn.

i wish i didn't have such a broad frame of reference for ignorant bullshit.

you can go ahead and put me down as "the wrong person to ask."

about anything. ever.

i kinda love how we're all like a bunch of creepy little hallmark cards.