I like to text my mom, "Can't talk now, I'm driving I'll call you when I ge" then ignore all texts and calls for a couple hours. Hysterical

(•)(*) - Forest Whitaker's eyes

Amending a prior tweet: BYU, Iowa, and Army are now the only schools to have won a National Championship in football and never be sanctioned

What is it about lying that makes your pants so combustible?

Fruity Pebbles is what happens when Cocoa Pebbles are feeling a little fabulous

"Hahaha, you're a few socks short aren't you?! Hahaha" -Dryers

I blame Toy Story for my hoarding tendencies. "Oh no don't throw that away! The other inanimate objects will miss him!!!"

Miguel Torres was fired from MMA for tweeting a "rape joke" proving that it's better to actually rape (Kobe, Big Ben) than to joke about it

The AOL dial up noise was the original dubstep

What's better than not being hungover on a Sunday? Not being bored on a Saturday

Firemen are a lot like cops, except people like and respect them, and they don't abuse their power. Actually they're nothing like cops

Things I hate:

1. Poops so dirty that you have to take a shower afterwards

2. People sharing too much information

3. Irony

4. Lists

"You want to go poop on people?" - Birds

Rat poison is lethal if ingested, which makes me wonder why it's not just called poison.

"You'll eat me because you're too lazy to make a strudel" -Pop tarts

If I had a week to live I'd do a ton of meth. Then I could stay awake longer while spending time with family & giving back to the community

"One fish, two fish. Grey fish, grey fish" -Dogs

What happens to the 'd' when a fridge become a refrigerator?

"We need to sit down and have a lucid discussion about our predicament and settle our disputes amicably" #ThingsBlackPeopleSayInArguments

Pandora is fine as background noise when I'm studying, but for no reason it will pause and ask if I'm still listening. Invented by a woman?