my wife wanted to follow me so i made up another page where all i talk about is her and the kids and how wonderful my day is

Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?

i imagine that a lot of you smell like bong resin and KY jelly

Tonight i'm gonna drink til I love myself. Shit I think I just wrote a country song.

You know who won Celebrity Apprentice? The people that didn't watch.

Doritos are my favorite love triangle.

my favorite Taylor Swift song is that one where she chokes to death on the microphone

you ladies say we men think with our dicks, well if this is the case feel free to blow my mind.

Where the fuck was PETA when ALF was eating all those cats?

People always say, "i don't know what i did before i had kids". I remember. Fucked more, slept more, went out more, cried less...........

I am a super hero to my kids and that really is the only thing that matters to me.

things i wish my wife said instead of my 4 year old: "daddy i wanna put on my cheerleader costume".

Heidi Klums Skin Secrets is on, apparently she's keeping that secret from Seal

Washing my balls with my wifes rosemary mint shampoo gives me the sensation of teabagging a York Peppermint Party.

If you harm a child a woman or an animal you are shit to me #truthfultuesday

i've been doing the stay home dad thing so long that my period has finally synched with the other moms

Halloween is by far the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.

It's hard to explain lipstick on your collar. It's REALLY hard to explain body glitter on your balls.

I was just taking a shit and the smoke alarm went off. Nicely played smoke alarm, nicely played.

I'm using reverse cowgirl psychology on all of you.