I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I'd never be caught dead at a Walmart.

Risk is a really fun game if you enjoy losing slowly over the course of 4 hours

"Sorry, I'm just in a really dark place right now" - every single bat

She said my semen was a joke, but it looks like the joke's on her

This is the first time I've had a doctor ever prescribe me ointment. Normally I'm the one making rash decisions.

Sometimes I wish I could tame a high-level frost dragon and keep him as a pet. Other times I wish I had a girlfriend.

I feel like less men would grow mustaches if we started calling them lip rainbows

Hello, is your refrigerator running?? It is???? WELL THEN YOU BETTER BE THANKFUL YOU WERE BORN INTO A FIRST WORLD SOCIETY!!!!

Magazines these days all seem to have issues

A wet dream is a nightmare, if you're a cat.

Beer pong: a game where assholes argue about the correct arrangement of plastic cups

Happy Let's-Pretend-This-Relationship-Is-Still-Working Day

I mean I guess technically Jesus was a cross-dresser

Intrigued ->
click name ->
click name again ->
navigate to page ->
click twitter picture ->
full size ->
disappointment.

Really what I'm looking for in a woman is just someone who I can share cat stories with

I wonder if they waited a few years to celebrate Easter because it was "too soon"

"Everybody put your hands in the AAAIRRR!! And wave 'em like you have the right to remain silent" - fun cop

When I was a child I used to eat french fries in front of Mr. Potatohead and plug little plastic tears into his face

"AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!" - killer wail

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed "Heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you're wrong.

The answer was "Nun of the Above".