Check this out: f*ck. No harm done, right? But now look what happens if I take out the asterisk: fuck. BAM: your daughters are prostitutes.

Why are some people still teenagers? IT'S 2011, PEOPLE.

MOVIE PITCH: Basically Poltergeist, except it turns out THE ENTIRE COUNTRY was built on an Indian burial ground. (Based on a true story.)

ATTN: PREGNANT HIPSTERS! Here they are, your top five new hottest baby names for 2012: Phở, Tribeca, Abed, Sincerity, Gitmo

Hey, guys, here's my ranking of the Ghostbusters movies, from best to worst:

(1) Ghostbusters
(2) Ghostbusters 2

"I'm looking at your ovaries." -Creepy Superman

"R.I.P." is kind of a weird thing to say when someone dies. Are we basically saying, "Don't be a zombie?" I'm going to start saying "D.B.Z."

We know all human conflict would end if we had an alien invasion to unite us. So let's get serious & start provoking the hell out of space!

So apparently there's a Sasha Grey sex tape! Has anybody heard about this?

[like an astronaut removing his helmet to discover the air is safe to breathe] People, it's OK to write "fuck" and "shit" without asterisks!

Who invented the high five? I'd like to shake his hand.

I'm sorry, this isn't PC to say, but...after two years in L.A., I am seriously just SICK & TIRED OF TOONS. Why can't they stay in Toontown?!

I liked how in Velvet Underground Babies you never saw Andy Warhol, only his stockinged feet.

Beetlejuice, Candyman, Marcia.

Approximately 1% of the population are Dream Warriors. OCCUPY ELM STREET.

My 300th follower will receive a special gift: these two droids. Both are hardworking and will serve you well.

"Chick flick" is so dumb & demeaning. Can't we find a more dignified term for films that appeal to women? Like "period pieces" or something.

Remember all the different currency from different time periods that Doc Brown had in his briefcase? That was all hooker money.

SPOILER ALERT: You die in the end.

You know when people say, "If I ever _____, please shoot me"? Please don't shoot me, under any circumstances. Even if I turn into a zombie.