Baz Luhrmann's THE CANTERBURY TALES in 3D, starring Ryan Gosling with music by Lady Gaga

Where was E.T. shitting? In the closet with the stuffed animals, I bet.

I wrote an educational slogan: "Vicious is suspicious!"

(Only $750 for the rights, teachers! I'll even throw in "Freebasing is debasing.").

I'm sorry, this isn't PC to say, but...after two years in L.A., I am seriously just SICK & TIRED OF TOONS. Why can't they stay in Toontown?!

DID YOU KNOW...every time you use the word "artsy-fartsy," you're making a fart joke?

I realized I'm way too hard on myself about stupid shit. Everyone makes mistakes about whether or not to annihilate an entire civilization!

"Most people are from New Jersey." -@kimonkirk

Baz Luhrmann, next please do Donald Barthelme's "Departures" in 3D.

I'm 34 and I've never chopped anybody's head off with a sword :(

Here's an underappreciated word: skyscraper.

My fiancée just said that if I were the same person but with a robot body, that robot would be "annoying."

Hi. I've been running Alex's Twitter account since 2009, and this is my last day. Thanks for everything. It's been a blast!

-Thomas Pynchon

Community was a truly brilliant show, often achieving peak Simpsons levels of genius. Sony's like, "Yeah, but let's dial that back, though."

More good ideas from Sony:

(1) fire Louis CK from Louie
(2) fire Steven Spielberg from E.T.
(3) fire Lennon-McCartney from the Beatles

When I was little, a "Drink Coca-Cola" billboard gave me nightmares (angry mob chasing me down, making me drink Coke). THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

Today @Charlie_Sanders @captdope @beckdrys @richtalarico & I got done writing Key & Peele season 2. #FF* those people!



* fucking fuck

I liked how in Velvet Underground Babies you never saw Andy Warhol, only his stockinged feet.

I think the weirdest Siri ad is the one where Ted Nugent is at home saying obliquely threatening things about the president into his iPhone.

@kevinseccia My money's on that tweet being all that survives of human civilization, and aliens puzzling over it like a Rosetta Stone.

"One is the loneliest number, my ass!" -6,482,760,112,935,009,226,944,721,553