@atwobeakedmacaw's (David den Daas) most faved Tweets...
If another cop asks me if my rolled cigarette is a joint I'm bashing them over the head with my bong.
Getting laid-off twice, in eighteen months, doesn't bother me. Not getting laid twice in eighteen months does.
This breakfast has a serious attitude problem. It's walking around like it's the most important meal of the day or something.
My dislexyia creates trouble for me at diners. I always mean to order *hash browns* but instead I say "a kilo of Bolivian marching powder."
The cop told me to cuff myself, frisk myself, and drive downtown in his patrol car. I got collared for a DIY.
The only reason to have trucknuts is to keep your hands occupied while you're sucking the exhaust pipe.
Why in the world has someone created a fast absorbing skin lotion for men? Well, possibly to sell A LOT of lotion.
The thing I love about working on the top floor is sending disembodied flatulence back to the ground floor on the elevator.
If God is this guy's copilot, then God is a one eyed, three legged, terrier mix with mange and an eight foot long tongue.
I'm always missing one shoe! ONE SHOE! Every morning! I mean how hard is it to keep three matching shoes together!?!
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