you're not a "milf" just because a baby fell out of your vag.

I'm fine with being "just friends" as long as I can seduce you when we're drunk.

people who say haha instead of lol are the best kind of people.

if she makes you call her tits "breasts" there's no fucking way she's gonna let you put it in her pooper.

it sucks when you're hammered and all you want to be is nailed.

there's a special place in hell for people who say "pacific" when they mean "specific".

seriously, one is a fucking ocean.

people make the weirdest sounds when you play with their buttholes while they sleep.

has Siri learned Ebonics yet? I need to axe dat trick somin.

COCKSLAP IS AWESOME.

I MEAN CAPSLOCK.

NO, COCKSLAP.

the quickest way to a man's heart is blowjobs and shutting the fuck up when his team is playing.

i'm not saying you're a whore...but you probably let dudes pee in your butt.

I love you, but I'm not in "give you my pink or red starbursts" love with you.

I'm an equal opportunity ignorer.

the problem with feelings is having them.

sorry...but my dog thinks you're an asshole, and I believe him.

if you use pads and not tampons, I automatically assume your twat is too loose to hold one in. you dirty whore.

since when is there a "wrong" hole?

if by hate you mean "wish you'd fuck yourself with a blowtorch" then yeah. I "hate" you.

stay away from bitches who wear waterproof mascara. they're either crying all the fucking time or sucking a lot of dick.

got a warning for doing 82 in a 70. high five, tits!