If Twitter says you’re similar to me don’t follow me, because.
1. You’re an asshole
2. I don’t even like me
3. I already talk to myself

Every time someone tells me “you have a good handshake.”
I reply with “you can thank my penis for that.”

If you love someone, you’ll be willing to sacrifice your dreams for them. If they love you, they won’t let you.

If my tweets don’t make sense it’s because I’m an idiot.

If my tweets do make sense it’s because you’re an idiot.

WANTED TWITTER CRUSH!
Requirements
1. accept responsibility for my bad tweets
2. star & retweet everything I do
3. constantly praise me

You are a prisoner of the limitations you impose upon yourself.

I’m guessing my wife’s boyfriend broke up with her since we had sex today. She still didn’t get my name right but one thing at a time.

Watching my neighbors through my telescope again and I saw my wife. Why does she have to ruin everything I like?

Facebook: where people go b/c they can’t get friends in real life
Twitter: where people go to get rid of the friends they have in real life

People who work at The Home Depot must have been really good at hide and seek when they were kids.

Sext: I’m going to fuck you like the IRS

My wife knows her place.
It’s in the kitchen telling me what to do.

Won an argument with my wifey by saying “you can’t get everything you want, that’s why you have me.” I don’t care how I win as long as I win

The people who struggle the most are blind to their own beauty.

How come the only people who can open childproof lids are children? My nephew charges me two vicodin just to open the bottle.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.

I have a lot of superpowers!
1. ruining the moment
2. disappointing women
3. making people hate me
4. Writing stupid tweets

I smoke because I enjoy the taste of death.

I solve my problems the same way I deal with spiders, by closing the door hoping that they go away.

Every time I read a tweet and someone is talking about their idiot kid I wonder…. Mom?