SECRET TRUTH! If someone says "Catcher in the Rye" is their favorite book, they haven't read a book since high school. SEEEEEEECRET TRUTH!

Tears For Fears sounds like the worst nonprofit.

"Cookie Dough is for closers." --BenJerry Ben Ross

"Yo, this Twizzler tastes too sparkly." - Vin Diesel, chewing on an extension cord. #VinDieselSunday

IDEA: A gun that shoots cinnamon rolls.

"Sorry, who made your dress, honey?" he asked.

"Mice and birds."

Prince Charming looked down at his wedding ring and started to sweat.

"I'm down for whatever." - A really open-minded feather

Call it a hunch, but I think I have scoliosis.

When you put a hat on the floor, it's like the Earth is wearing a tiny hat and I think that's adorable.

Accidentally remembered the 90s swing revival and now my weekend is ruined.

"Bossypantalones," by Latina Fey

They said it couldn't be done. And yet here I am, with a parakeet perched happily on my boner.

I like you, but I don't give-you-my-parents'-HBO-Go-password-like-you.

I'm a love machine! (Lifeless and cold.)

No, sorry. I said I've got a Schwimmer's body.

The scariest thing I can think of is a spider that is also a cyber bully.

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. Also when I'm sleepy or hungry. I have trouble making friends.

Heads up: don't say "Kevin Nealon" three times unless you've got a couch for him to sleep on.

I'm trying to stop using humor as a defense mechanism and start using roundhouse kicks.

"Yo, Narnia's cold." - Vin Diesel, inside a refrigerator #VinDieselSunday