Asked wife if we should consider pre-paid burial insurance. "Nah, they're probably not gonna find your body."

I often go in to work late, but it all works out as I make up for it by leaving early.

Been on Twitter six months and still have less followers than Charles Manson did. Mine are almost as loyal and just as batshit crazy

it's waaay harder to hire a Scandinavian live-in nanny when you don't have children.

They didn't have ADHD when I was a kid, so Guidance Counselor diagnosed me as a "pothead smart-assed punk"

Whenever cashiers ask for a tel#, I tell them: "sorry, I'm really flattered and all, but I'm married". The dude at AutoZone hates that.

Not looking for a pat on the back here but I'm gonna do some Community Service Work this weekend. Technically it was the Judge's idea.

there are very few sounds louder than when I try to sneak a cookie out of the Keebler package without my wife hearing it. Stupid elves.

before twitter my only followers were Vice Cops and Loan Sharks. Still deciding whether this is better

long car trips with kids take a lot of patience. It took me almost an hour to spike all these Capri Suns with Benedryl.

flattered that they have a nickname for me at the Church's Chicken on Bessemer Rd-they call me "that white guy that eats here sometimes"

Recarpeting the kids old bedrooms. Appears they spent their adolescence performing ritual sacrifices and rebuilding transmissions up there

I never even realized my wife was such a poor judge of character until she agreed to marry me.

"Draw Something" on iPhone Is terrible. I've drawn better with a full bladder and a snowbank

that thing like Anorexia where instead of thinking you're fat you irrationally think you're really good looking? I have that.

worked at McDonald's once. Would've been a cool job if not for all the people driving up to the window wanting hamburgers all the time.

I rarely drink anymore because I've found I can be just as obnoxious while sober. And it's cheaper.

It only took a couple of vacations with our kids before we realized what we really needed was vacations away from them

Normally don't care much for pathological liars but need to find 2 or 3 to attend my sentencing hearing on the 28th. Call me.

I'm so old I can remember when Olympic athletes looked almost human.