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@awryone's (Josh Donoghue) most faved Tweets...
awryone
Getting rid of a mother-in-law is easy ... DIVORCE!
Ha ha! Just kidding ... you totally have to separate the head from the body.
@awryone
awryone
Drunk wife turned clocks back. Then I turned them back. Wife forgot and turned them back AGAIN. I'm now late for work last Friday.
@awryone
awryone
Losing Favrd has made me look around and notice things.
Like, apparently I have an 8-month-old baby.
Crazy!
@awryone
awryone
Maybe the Nazis wouldn't have been such assholes if they weren't left hanging for all their high fives.
@awryone
awryone
If I was Mexican and my daughter brought home an American I'd never stop saying a gringo date my baby.
@awryone
awryone
Apparently, the five-second rule doesn't apply when you've dropped a baby.
@awryone
awryone
My life's cruelest irony is that my wife's favorite profanity is "fuck me."
@awryone
awryone
Me: I'm sad. I gained more weight.
Wife: It'll be okay. Keep your chins up.
@awryone
awryone
Well, that didn't work.
Anybody need 1000 custom candy hearts saying "Threesome?"
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awryone
I asked my wife to lie in bed with me and she told me I was the best lover she's ever had and then I realized what she did there.
@awryone
awryone
Thought I was having déjà vu but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
@awryone
awryone
After all these years, I know I love my wife because when she walks in the room, I still suck in my gut.
@awryone
awryone
This diaper must be defective. The package says 10-12 months and she's only been wearing it for seven.
@awryone
awryone
30 minutes?
I want to hear that from the pizza.
Put the pizza on the phone.
@awryone
awryone
I didn't spit in your face.
I blew you a French kiss.
@awryone
awryone
There is no ism that cannot be made more tolerable by simply adding a j.
I'll start.
Christian Fundamentaljism.
@awryone
awryone
If my wife told me she had an affair with the pool boy I would be so psyched that we finally got a pool!
@awryone
awryone
I won't say she's a cunt,
but she has a certain je ne sais twat.
@awryone
awryone
Just kick higher, dammit!
This isn't Rockette science.
@awryone
awryone
My wife fell down the stairs carrying the baby so it looks like I can go out tonight after all.
@awryone
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