Slytherin bitches have the tightest snitches #HPTOTD

Shut up and put on a pizza bikini

Pretty disappointed to find out that Ash Wednesday has nothing to do with the Evil Dead series. #boomstick

I wonder how many books worth of words I've wasted reading tweets.

I want to see what a sonic screwdriver can do with a clit.

Sounding profound takes more courage than sense.

My biggest twitter demographic is barely legal chicks from Texas and dudes that want to wear their skin like a suit.

Real dumb is way way hotter than fake dumb

Twitter makes people think they're a good 3 points higher than they actually are on the 1-10 hot scale.

Sunday is made for tunes, bong hits, and blow jobs.

If its got tits or tires, it’s probably gonna give you trouble.

A beard full of cum sounds like a catalyst to night terrors.

Less try-hards more die-hards.

Yo Kurt Cobain, Imma let you finish, but Dead from Mayhem had the best shotgun suicide of all time.

Hufflepuff puff pass.

Mother/Daughter babe watching in a Whole Foods parking lot.

Print this out and glue it to your car pic.twitter.com/kiR8rfHfU7

My goals at 26 years old are the same as at 8 years old— to live in the Addams family house.

Twitter — the best way to passive aggressively talk shit about your exes since 2005.

ODB was so fucking metal.