@ayeshamus' (shamus) most faved Tweets...
Best part about living alone? I can drink out of any container I want!
Yes Rusty, I know that's your bowl.
Sorry, it won't happen again.
Yes Rusty, I know that's your bowl.
Sorry, it won't happen again.
Pro tip: don't be an idiot when using power tools.
Unrelated: where did the last little piggy go?
OH GOD THERE'S SO MUCH BLOOD!
Unrelated: where did the last little piggy go?
OH GOD THERE'S SO MUCH BLOOD!
Doing work on a ladder & scaffolding alone. If you don't hear from me, assume I fell off & broke my neck.
Don't be alarmed if I'm naked.
Don't be alarmed if I'm naked.
how do you know when it's been too long since you've last had sex?
when a sneeze feels so good that you go snort some pepper to do it again
when a sneeze feels so good that you go snort some pepper to do it again
I JUST GOT AN INVITATION FOR A VISA BLACK CARD! DOES THAT MEAN I FINALLY MADE IT AS A GANGSTA RAPPER?
I'M GONNA BUY A FUCKING BOAT!
I'M GONNA BUY A FUCKING BOAT!
What do guys with big dicks eat for breakfast?
I'm not sure, but your mom's buying me drunk food at IHOP.
I'm not sure, but your mom's buying me drunk food at IHOP.
16
hey douchebag,
giving the "thank you" wave after cutting me off doesn't make it OK.
i hope you & your fatass family get endless hangnails.
giving the "thank you" wave after cutting me off doesn't make it OK.
i hope you & your fatass family get endless hangnails.
15
Dear OCD,
I hate you for making me spend ~$500, but I love you for making all my light switches & outlets match.
-Me
ps: on, off, on, off
I hate you for making me spend ~$500, but I love you for making all my light switches & outlets match.
-Me
ps: on, off, on, off
15
All of my tweets recently have been riddled with mis-spellings, unfunny, and dumb jokes.
I had no idea getting laid would do this to me. :(
I had no idea getting laid would do this to me. :(
14
The lame tweets that get cut from my queue get sent to Facebook.
The idiots over there eat that shit up like it's going out of style!
The idiots over there eat that shit up like it's going out of style!
14
Do you hear that?
It's the sound of millions of women clapping for a man who just learned to fold a fitted sheet.
GO TEAM VAGINA!
It's the sound of millions of women clapping for a man who just learned to fold a fitted sheet.
GO TEAM VAGINA!
14
2nd date tonight!
i haven't been this nervous since i tried to pee 10min ago with someone in the urinal next to me.
let's go little buddy!
i haven't been this nervous since i tried to pee 10min ago with someone in the urinal next to me.
let's go little buddy!
13
I wonder what would've cost more: the $1500 blinds or the indecent exposure fine & registered sex offender for walking around my house naked
13
The neighbor is playing some shitty music while working on his car.
To teach him a lesson, I banged his wife.
BEING A HOMEOWNER IS AWESOME!
To teach him a lesson, I banged his wife.
BEING A HOMEOWNER IS AWESOME!
13
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