Best part about living alone? I can drink out of any container I want!

Yes Rusty, I know that's your bowl.

Sorry, it won't happen again.

Future me: you are parked in lot 3 (purple).

Pro tip: don't be an idiot when using power tools.



Unrelated: where did the last little piggy go?









OH GOD THERE'S SO MUCH BLOOD!

Doing work on a ladder & scaffolding alone. If you don't hear from me, assume I fell off & broke my neck.

Don't be alarmed if I'm naked.

how do you know when it's been too long since you've last had sex?
when a sneeze feels so good that you go snort some pepper to do it again

i put too much water in my oatmeal, and now it's runny. THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

OH: A wise man once said " When you're tired of sex, get married"

I said "Thanks Dad."

I JUST GOT AN INVITATION FOR A VISA BLACK CARD! DOES THAT MEAN I FINALLY MADE IT AS A GANGSTA RAPPER?

I'M GONNA BUY A FUCKING BOAT!

will beg for sex.

The lame tweets that get cut from my queue get sent to Facebook.

The idiots over there eat that shit up like it's going out of style!

What do guys with big dicks eat for breakfast?

I'm not sure, but your mom's buying me drunk food at IHOP.

Do you hear that?

It's the sound of millions of women clapping for a man who just learned to fold a fitted sheet.

GO TEAM VAGINA!

Dear OCD,

I hate you for making me spend ~$500, but I love you for making all my light switches & outlets match.

-Me

ps: on, off, on, off

All of my tweets recently have been riddled with mis-spellings, unfunny, and dumb jokes.

I had no idea getting laid would do this to me. :(

2nd date tonight!

i haven't been this nervous since i tried to pee 10min ago with someone in the urinal next to me.

let's go little buddy!

hey douchebag,
giving the "thank you" wave after cutting me off doesn't make it OK.

i hope you & your fatass family get endless hangnails.

The neighbor is playing some shitty music while working on his car.
To teach him a lesson, I banged his wife.

BEING A HOMEOWNER IS AWESOME!

I, I think I just jacked off a paint roller. Now I've got a whole mess on my hands.

I wonder what would've cost more: the $1500 blinds or the indecent exposure fine & registered sex offender for walking around my house naked

someone stocked the candy bowl with milk duds. so, you know, FREE LUNCH!