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Wanking later? Try and time your climax for midnight and pretend all cheering and fireworks are for you.
Craig Whyte won't be attending the Rangers match at the weekend, as he's off to sell a monorail to Shelbyville.
You never see me and Ed Sheeran in the same room, do you? Know why? Cause I'd try and kick his fucking face off.
Blue Lagoon goes on fire while Hot Chip are in Glasgow. Coincidence, or something more sinister?
Looking at the T in the Park line up makes me feel like a vegan reading a steak menu. There's nothing I want and I don't know why I looked.
The phrase "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse" means nothing now.
Andy Carroll and Daryl Murphy have scored this evening. We are all going to die.
Why haven't WikiLeaks published Santa's Naughty/Nice list?
Can't wait to see hundreds of photoshopped pictures of John Terry joining in the Spanish celebrations. That's still fresh and hilarious.
They've stuck Cheryl Cole next to the Queen because Phil is in hospital, but she likes to be near a racist.
Can Facebook not just buy Greece and turn it into a theme park or something?
It's going to be terrible when Springsteen & McCartney go to light the fire, only to find out this has over run by 15 minutes.
across the land people are back in their childhood bedrooms visiting parents, wondering if they can have a sly wank.
I'd like to go back to simpler times where women put cats in bins.
Diving would be a much better spectator sport if there was a kraken in the pool.
This is really difficult to wank to. #BBCJubilee
It's funny, pulling out when you are near the end to avoid a life changing fuck up is traditionally a Catholic method.
An idiot. Occasionally offensive, usually by accident. Talks rubbish, all the time. For the music blog follow @ayetunesblog