Somewhere in WI @bretterickson68 is coming down from a coke bender and realizing @dougstanhope talked him into making a Twitter account

The one and only way Romney wins my vote is if he ends the final #debate by saying "I call it...The Aristocrats"

So... @thejester74 and I decided to tell Christmas to go fuck itself. Enjoy pic.twitter.com/IfwngHw4

Always been a fan of @davesfoley but somehow I'm still shocked how brilliant and hilarious he was tonight at @jukeboxcomedy . Go see him

I had sex tonight and left my socks on. They're black and pulled all the way up. This is what you're missing out on, ladies.

Back by popular demand, the greatest Christmas card ever, courtesy of @thejester74 and yours truly #FuckYourHolidays pic.twitter.com/JFzacj4b

Ever have that feeling all day like you're walking around with your fly down only to realize that you aren't even wearing pants?

@jukeboxcomedy @kylekinane twice a month for the remainder of the year.

I cast a write-in vote for Montgomery Brewster. About three of you will get that joke #NoneOfTheAbove

Babies are ugly as shit. Especially yours.

Had to throw out some bacon that got hidden behind something in the fridge. I'll never make a joke about Tom Hanks screaming "Wilson!" again

@driftroberts Are you talking about that fucking lunatic Michael?

My final breakfast in Portland. I REALLY don't want to go home. pic.twitter.com/hh7ki9bo

Every time I see Steven Tyler it reminds me of the time the lunch lady at my high school borrowed her daughter's clothes and went cougar

I just did 8 sit-ups. Someone call my mom and ask her to bring over a clean pair of underwear and Uncle Hank's old wheelchair.

HER: "What is the cologne called that you're wearing? It smells great" ME: "Shame" HER: "Who makes it?" ME: "Jesus"

There's a show called Cupcake Wars? If that doesn't involve firing cupcakes out of some makeshift cannon, I'm not interested.

Asked a redneck whether he thought God was more likely to be real, or professional wrestling was more likely to be real. His head exploded

Sonic has an "All American" hot dog. Its plain with no toppings but swears its the best without knowing a thing about the other hot dogs.

I mistakenly purchased a "Girls Gone Wilde" video. Its roughly 70 minutes of a nerdy fat girl reading a book to the camera, fully clothed.