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It's awe inspiring how whenever there's some sort of world crisis, the Twitter community bands together and totally mocks the shit out of it
Refresh my memory... Kevorkian is the one that helps you kill yourself, and Kardashian is the one that makes you want to, right?
It would be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was all fun and games up until that point, right?
Lone girl at the table: "I like giving BJs but my boyfriend doesn't like getting them"
5 guys in perfect unison: "You're not doing it right"
The magic number is 6. That's how many times you can bring stuff to a clerk in The Dollar Store and ask how much it costs, before they snap.
"What the fuck is a duvet cover?"
--Every man ever
You know what's fun? Walk by the parent of a child throwing a major tantrum, smile at them, then mutter "Oh that reminds me, I need condoms"
I keep running into the same guy in the men's room. I should freak him out and ask him if he'll be attending the 2:28 peeing too
The list of problems that can't be solved with a cattle prod is surprisingly short
Turns out that Oreo Double Stuff means something totally different in the video store
It's rumored that AOL and Yahoo! are in merger talks, which would result in the largest company that no one gives a shit about, ever!
Fun fact: Telling my wife about Twitter stuff is my version of her telling me about something she found on sale
In prison, they play a very different game of dodge ball
I guess the plus side to the child obesity epidemic is that the kids are too fat to get stuffed in lockers now
When I pay bills, I like to lick the envelopes while I still have really bad morning breath
Dear Phone Companies,
People have access to current information via the Internet. STOP PRINTING & DELIVERING PHONE BOOKS!
I'm going to open a nightclub called Baby Seals just so people can go "Hey we're going to Club Baby Seals tonight. You coming along?"
Instead of caulk, try asking Home Depot clerk for "the hard cylindrical thing that gets squeezed gently til white goo shoots out of the tip"
People insisting that brutal winters are better than Arizona summers usually shut up when I remind them that I don't have to shovel sunshine
I want you all to be very proud of my friend who took a Yoga class tonight, with a pomegranate martini in her Gatorade bottle
Lifelong goal: Get on Wheel of Fortune, spin the wheel, and tell Pat Sajak that I'll take a P