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  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    It's awe inspiring how whenever there's some sort of world crisis, the Twitter community bands together and totally mocks the shit out of it

    • 426
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtTastyTuneTweetsSissiSayTrishamottYesitsAlAmeiam1evilidiotJustLikeMikee
    • 70
    • RETWEETS
    PE_adventuresWasARebelMudda_FuckNursey2BeTommyKarate______minealone6Ui_nessTheMichness
    llvvzz_CodyDavisBlue_CrabDadNeedsADrink
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    Refresh my memory... Kevorkian is the one that helps you kill yourself, and Kardashian is the one that makes you want to, right?

    • 305
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtHormonellaTastyTuneTweetsSissiSaywhiteshadows702l3eyondFabulousPoorEvelyn________kbarontheloose____
    • 164
    • RETWEETS
    Dvulturekbarontheloose____CertifiablySaneTrishamottDeronH____________gay_genejlmaaskerrykagiri
    Maui_Speaks______eugem
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    It would be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was all fun and games up until that point, right?

    • 299
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtSissiSayTastyTuneTweetspalindromeiamScottLee80Trishamottefasheefaa________JustLikeMikee
    • 35
    • RETWEETS
    ScottLee80SarahmahonyAmeiamJRecommendsrandyswife0531EddieT2012truffleparamourmjt4941
    MrFornicatorGSouder
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    Lone girl at the table: "I like giving BJs but my boyfriend doesn't like getting them"
    5 guys in perfect unison: "You're not doing it right"

    • 257
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtTrishamottJustLikeMikeeEvilPandaXTommyKarate______standupfalldownemceejShaneMurphys
    • 21
    • RETWEETS
    hanoiheroinFavstar250Sasscrotchsnoringwill______MSCHVS2djr_102ran_saccerebralbalsy____
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    The magic number is 6. That's how many times you can bring stuff to a clerk in The Dollar Store and ask how much it costs, before they snap.

    • 230
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtSissiSayManginaMcCoolDeansdameOneHelluvaDameTastyTuneTweetsTrishamottJustLikeMikee
    • 35
    • RETWEETS
    TastyTuneTweetsguruninjamonkeycohenlawyerkylivingwhiskey__womanBethKaufman3TommyKarate______CapitolCrossRR
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    "What the fuck is a duvet cover?"
    --Every man ever

    • 222
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtTastyTuneTweetsJustLikeMikeeEvilPandaXTommyKarate______Balutactiveguy2________iAmJuddy
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    tateriagstuvesonlonely_1968Bignik55__llvvzz_ARos_MikeSchismFavstar500Favs
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    You know what's fun? Walk by the parent of a child throwing a major tantrum, smile at them, then mutter "Oh that reminds me, I need condoms"

    • 183
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtSissiSayTastyTuneTweetsJustLikeMikeeCatherineLMKfunnyguykaylitamoralesClearlysSister____
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    kaylitamoralesBKelsey90gina_pennEvilPandaXTommyKarate______SlainPorcelaincaiproshkasnoringwill______
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    I keep running into the same guy in the men's room. I should freak him out and ask him if he'll be attending the 2:28 peeing too

    • 178
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtJustLikeMikeeCatherineLMKEvilPandaXTommyKarate______rM1LBlackButterfly6nabhere
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    truffleparamourWittleBeetle______mytweecwetlife____Favstar500Favsfavstar1000favsmisscarbunkle________violetsiva________
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    The list of problems that can't be solved with a cattle prod is surprisingly short

    • 147
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtSissiSayTastyTuneTweetsTrishamottJustLikeMikeeCatherineLMKEvilPandaXTommyKarate______
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    princewoodz_hollycaustGiantSweetTartcut_emiAmJuddyterrywayne2057____reverendtye______RevScoopDawg
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    Turns out that Oreo Double Stuff means something totally different in the video store

    • 158
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtJustLikeMikeemartin_raccoontonguegiantEvilPandaXTommyKarate______JRecommendsiAmJuddy
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    martin_raccoonEvilPandaXdeleerekfavstar1000favsFavstar500Favs
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    It's rumored that AOL and Yahoo! are in merger talks, which would result in the largest company that no one gives a shit about, ever!

    • 82
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtJustLikeMikeeTommyKarate______Ch8rmingJRecommendsiAmJuddyNotHoneyBadgersnoringwill______
    • 72
    • RETWEETS
    terrywayne2057____chiokenassorkoolMoeTeeUNCLEMIKETWEETSAlexReadsMindsLeanneBarberygregedenalisoneales
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    Fun fact: Telling my wife about Twitter stuff is my version of her telling me about something she found on sale

    • 134
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtRikidusTrishamottJustLikeMikeeCatherineLMKClearlysSister____rockmamaDiscourt
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    TrishamottYer_ActualGTCBradMaybeTommyKarate______mm_ss_Albert_InlovejignessGlittermepink5____
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    In prison, they play a very different game of dodge ball

    • 131
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtTastyTuneTweetsTrishamottJustLikeMikeeDadsUpLateUBAM_JediDiscourtrushmorn
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    BKelsey90guruninjamonkeyJessTouhey__MisSpliffTommyKarate______djr_102truffleparamourfavstar1000favs
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    I guess the plus side to the child obesity epidemic is that the kids are too fat to get stuffed in lockers now

    • 135
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtTrishamottJustLikeMikeeClearlysSister____rushmornTommyKarate______BalutiAmJuddy
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    guruninjamonkeyTommyKarate______JeanBairDavisfavstar1000favsFavstar500Favs
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    When I pay bills, I like to lick the envelopes while I still have really bad morning breath

    • 130
    • FAVS
    muyachris670onume_li4mst3w4rtTastyTuneTweetsJustLikeMikeeCatherineLMKTommyKarate______TheJeffFiles
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    onume_JRecommendsThat_Happened_favstar1000favsFavstar500Favs
    NikHimself
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    Dear Phone Companies,

    People have access to current information via the Internet. STOP PRINTING & DELIVERING PHONE BOOKS!

    Love,
    The Trees

    • 125
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtTrishamottJustLikeMikeeCatherineLMKJRecommendsiAmJuddyGod__Damn_RobinArfiveDefour______
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    terrywayne2057____BigBang6000SquareSwallowfavstar1000favstracydiziereMikeBricegilkesjmEzraHorne
    Isdatsowrong
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    I'm going to open a nightclub called Baby Seals just so people can go "Hey we're going to Club Baby Seals tonight. You coming along?"

    • 114
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtTastyTuneTweetsJustLikeMikeeCatherineLMKJRecommendsthisaintdennysBellaMishella13Anais_Lea90______
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    TastyTuneTweetselwaytotheendmwilkens37HadahavetelvisgraceRadnusJiAmJuddyJfd1965la
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    Instead of caulk, try asking Home Depot clerk for "the hard cylindrical thing that gets squeezed gently til white goo shoots out of the tip"

    • 115
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtJustLikeMikeeTommyKarate______JRecommendsVerifiedDrunkiAmJuddyStexcyLoingirder
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    BhaveshChauhanfavstar1000favstruffleparamourchinkydeliciaeDrMrsDrVenture____mytweecwetlife____redpawn3bicketybam
    cerebralbalsy____
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    People insisting that brutal winters are better than Arizona summers usually shut up when I remind them that I don't have to shovel sunshine

    • 114
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtJustLikeMikeeCatherineLMKTheJeffFilesCh8rmingJRecommendsiAmJuddyStella1070
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    beersnobgirlfavstar1000favsrevenantparisjuicymorselimreddy4u__Favstar500Favsbrianpboyd
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    I want you all to be very proud of my friend who took a Yoga class tonight, with a pomegranate martini in her Gatorade bottle

    • 101
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtppenniiRevpwrpot________Ch8rmingJRecommendsiAmJuddyStexcyLoingirder
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    favstar1000favsRevpwrpot________ulessbobthomson70Favstar500Favs
@azbado

@azbado

Lifelong goal: Get on Wheel of Fortune, spin the wheel, and tell Pat Sajak that I'll take a P