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  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    It's awe inspiring how whenever there's some sort of world crisis, the Twitter community bands together and totally mocks the shit out of it

    • 431
    • FAVS
    rodtopiacrabregionelelibsZahraSBokhariBwanaChrisli4mst3w4rtTastyTuneTweetsSissiSay
    • 73
    • RETWEETS
    rodtopiacousinNormanBwanaChrisPE_adventuresWasARebel________Mudda_FuckNursey2BeTommyKarate______
    llvvzz_CodyDavisBlue_CrabDadNeedsADrink
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    Refresh my memory... Kevorkian is the one that helps you kill yourself, and Kardashian is the one that makes you want to, right?

    • 306
    • FAVS
    rodtopiali4mst3w4rtHormonellaTastyTuneTweetsSissiSaywhiteshadows702l3eyondFabulousPoorEvelyn________
    • 165
    • RETWEETS
    rodtopiaDvulturekbarontheloose____CertifiablySaneTrishamottDeronH____________gay_genejlmaas
    Maui_Speakseugem
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    It would be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was all fun and games up until that point, right?

    • 301
    • FAVS
    SuperJuandererrodtopiali4mst3w4rtSissiSayTastyTuneTweetspalindromeiam____ScottLee80Trishamott
    • 36
    • RETWEETS
    rodtopiaScottLee80SarahmahonyAmeiamJRecommendsrandyswife0531EddieT2012truffleparamour
    MrFornicatorGSouder
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    Lone girl at the table: "I like giving BJs but my boyfriend doesn't like getting them"
    5 guys in perfect unison: "You're not doing it right"

    • 259
    • FAVS
    Academmissionrodtopiali4mst3w4rtTrishamottJustLikeMikeeEvilPandaXTommyKarate______standupfalldown
    • 22
    • RETWEETS
    rodtopiahanoiheroinFavstar250Sasscrotchsnoringwill______MSCHVS2__________djr_102ran_sac
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    The magic number is 6. That's how many times you can bring stuff to a clerk in The Dollar Store and ask how much it costs, before they snap.

    • 232
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinsrodtopiali4mst3w4rtSissiSayManginaMcCoolDeansdameOneHelluvaDameTastyTuneTweets
    • 36
    • RETWEETS
    rodtopiaTastyTuneTweetsguruninjamonkeycohenlawyerkylivingwhiskey__womanBethKaufman3TommyKarate______
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    "What the fuck is a duvet cover?"
    --Every man ever

    • 225
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinseluna333rodtopiali4mst3w4rtTastyTuneTweetsJustLikeMikeeEvilPandaXTommyKarate______
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    rodtopiatateriagstuvesonlonely_1968Bignik55____llvvzz_ARos_MikeSchism
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    You know what's fun? Walk by the parent of a child throwing a major tantrum, smile at them, then mutter "Oh that reminds me, I need condoms"

    • 185
    • FAVS
    mamatomy3rodtopiali4mst3w4rtSissiSayTastyTuneTweetsJustLikeMikeeCatherineLMKfunnyguy
    • 31
    • RETWEETS
    rodtopiakaylitamoralesBKelsey90gina_pennEvilPandaXTommyKarate______SlainPorcelaincaiproshka
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    I keep running into the same guy in the men's room. I should freak him out and ask him if he'll be attending the 2:28 peeing too

    • 179
    • FAVS
    rodtopiali4mst3w4rtJustLikeMikeeCatherineLMKEvilPandaXTommyKarate______rM1LBlackButterfly6
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    truffleparamourWittleBeetle______mytweecwetlife____Favstar500Favsfavstar1000favsmisscarbunkle________violetsiva________
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    Turns out that Oreo Double Stuff means something totally different in the video store

    • 160
    • FAVS
    eluna333rodtopiali4mst3w4rtJustLikeMikeemartin_raccoontonguegiantEvilPandaXTommyKarate______
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    rodtopiamartin_raccoonEvilPandaXdeleerekfavstar1000favsFavstar500Favs
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    The list of problems that can't be solved with a cattle prod is surprisingly short

    • 148
    • FAVS
    rodtopiali4mst3w4rtSissiSayTastyTuneTweetsTrishamottJustLikeMikeeCatherineLMKEvilPandaX
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    princewoodz_hollycaustGiantSweetTartcut_emiAmJuddyterrywayne2057____reverendtye______RevScoopDawg
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    It's rumored that AOL and Yahoo! are in merger talks, which would result in the largest company that no one gives a shit about, ever!

    • 82
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtJustLikeMikeeTommyKarate______Ch8rmingJRecommendsiAmJuddygiraffeinatanksnoringwill______
    • 72
    • RETWEETS
    terrywayne2057____chiokenassorkoolMoeTeeUNCLEMIKETWEETSAlexReadsMindsLeanneBarberygregedenalisoneales
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    Fun fact: Telling my wife about Twitter stuff is my version of her telling me about something she found on sale

    • 135
    • FAVS
    rodtopiali4mst3w4rtRikidusTrishamottJustLikeMikeeCatherineLMKClearlysSister____rockmama
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    TrishamottYer_ActualGTCBradMaybeTommyKarate______mm_ss_Albert_InlovejignessGlittermepink5____
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    In prison, they play a very different game of dodge ball

    • 133
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinsrodtopiali4mst3w4rtTastyTuneTweetsTrishamottJustLikeMikeeDadsUpLateUBAM_Jedi
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    rodtopiaBKelsey90guruninjamonkeyJessTouhey__MisSpliffTommyKarate______djr_102truffleparamour
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    I guess the plus side to the child obesity epidemic is that the kids are too fat to get stuffed in lockers now

    • 138
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinsArtIsMyPornrodtopiali4mst3w4rtTrishamottJustLikeMikeeClearlysSister____rushmorn
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    rodtopiaguruninjamonkeyTommyKarate______JeanBairDavisfavstar1000favsFavstar500Favs
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    When I pay bills, I like to lick the envelopes while I still have really bad morning breath

    • 133
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinsArtIsMyPornrodtopiamuyachris670onume_li4mst3w4rtTastyTuneTweetsJustLikeMikee
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    rodtopiaonume_JRecommendsThat_Happened_favstar1000favsFavstar500Favs
    nikhimself
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    Dear Phone Companies,

    People have access to current information via the Internet. STOP PRINTING & DELIVERING PHONE BOOKS!

    Love,
    The Trees

    • 127
    • FAVS
    kwirkyKerrirodtopiali4mst3w4rtTrishamottJustLikeMikeeCatherineLMKJRecommendsiAmJuddy
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    rodtopiaterrywayne2057____BigBang6000SquareSwallowfavstar1000favstracydiziereMikeBricegilkesjm
    Isdatsowrong
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    I'm going to open a nightclub called Baby Seals just so people can go "Hey we're going to Club Baby Seals tonight. You coming along?"

    • 115
    • FAVS
    rodtopiali4mst3w4rtTastyTuneTweetsJustLikeMikeeCatherineLMKJRecommendsthisaintdennysBellaMishella13
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    TastyTuneTweetselwaytotheendmwilkens37HadahavetelvisgraceRadnusJiAmJuddyJfd1965la
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    Instead of caulk, try asking Home Depot clerk for "the hard cylindrical thing that gets squeezed gently til white goo shoots out of the tip"

    • 116
    • FAVS
    rodtopiali4mst3w4rtJustLikeMikeeTommyKarate______JRecommendsVerifiedDrunkiAmJuddyStexcy
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    BhaveshChauhanfavstar1000favstruffleparamourchinkydeliciaeDrMrsDrVenture____mytweecwetlife____redpawn3bicketybam
    cerebralbalsy____
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    People insisting that brutal winters are better than Arizona summers usually shut up when I remind them that I don't have to shovel sunshine

    • 115
    • FAVS
    rodtopiali4mst3w4rtJustLikeMikeeCatherineLMKTheJeffFilesCh8rmingJRecommendsiAmJuddy
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    beersnobgirlfavstar1000favsrevenantparisjuicymorselimreddy4u__Favstar500Favsbrianpboyd
  • azbado
      Bado™ @azbado

    I want you all to be very proud of my friend who took a Yoga class tonight, with a pomegranate martini in her Gatorade bottle

    • 101
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtppenniiRevpwrpot________Ch8rmingJRecommendsiAmJuddyStexcyLoingirder
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historyfavstar1000favsRevpwrpot________ulessbobthomson70Favstar500Favs
@azbado

@azbado

Lifelong goal: Get on Wheel of Fortune, spin the wheel, and tell Pat Sajak that I'll take a P