Straight men are coming over? What do I feed them? What? Do we even have any vagina in the house? how do I serve it? I'm so confused..

A pearl necklace? How lovely of you! Are they salt-water pearls? Why are you ejaculating on me? When can I have my necklace?

I don't believe in testing lipstick on animals because it's wrong for them to look sexy when I'm not allowed to sleep with them

The reason that I'm gay is that I'm too afraid to put my penis in anything that Sigourney Weaver spent 4 films trying to kill

I'm on this new diet where you take what you were going to eat & halve it.. Then you don't eat either of the halves & snort cocaine instead

One thing never explained in the fairy-tale was what kind of freakish feet Cinderella had so that no other bitch could fit into her shoes

Do Americans drink light beer as much as tv makes out? In Australia I would be heckled & stoned to death if I did & that's just in gay bars

I nearly faved my own tweet to get to 50 stars because I'm so used to finishing myself off... Twitter is like sex after all

When I die I hope a necrophiliac gets me.. that way I can look down from my harp playing every once in a while & say "Yeah, I still got it"

"Beastiality" is such a harsh, ugly word.. I prefer to call it a "Romantic Inter-species Interlude".. my lover just calls it "BAaaaAAAAaa!!"

Look, I don't want to generalise but I find that people who unfollow me tend to be horribly unattractive people that are rubbish in bed

I bribed a sniffer dog with ecstasy and it spent the rest of the night looking for glow sticks and bottled water

You remember that slutty girl in high school that nobody would screw because everyone already did?... I think that would be me in prison

Who knew that pistachio was a nut? I thought it was when you urinate onto someone's mustache.. So.. Yeah.. This BBQ suddenly got awkward..

For a group that can't reproduce on our own I think it's a bit suspicious that our parades get bigger each year.

No officer, it's MEDICINAL Ecstasy. I take it for my anxiety. By the way, I love your arms. Can I touch your hair? Wanna make out for a bit?

If you're told that there's alcohol/drugs in your urine sample & your first instinct is to drink it like a shot then we should hang out

I'm so lazy that one time I gave up being gay for 3 months because I ran out of hair product

I have such low self-esteem that I went home with a zombie because I thought he was praising my intelligence when he kept saying "Brains"

As a skinny 6'3 guy with bleach blonde hair, Botox and tan injections I'm not just a stereotype. I'm a Dolby-Surround-Soundtype