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I live every day trying not to disappoint those five people that wrote "Stay cool" in my 7th grade yearbook.
In his later years, it was Dumbo's drinking problem and not his ears that became the true elephant in the room.
Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Kidding! Bacon.
"She's gone to a butter place." - me giving Paula Deen's eulogy
The creepiest thing you could find in someone's glove compartment is a pair of gloves.
Siri, where is Freddy Prinz Jr. now and is he ok?
The difference between "Reply" and "Reply All" is a matter of life and death.
Don't you guys just hate it when you slip and spill a whole bottle of wine into your mouth?
"Everything is going to be okay." - Coffee
Anyone know if Bill Murray emerged & saw his shadow this morning? Do we get 6 more yrs of indie flicks or is it time for Ghostbusters III?
Boring Headline: "Vertically-Challenged Psychic Escapes From Local Prison." Awesome Headline: "Small Medium at Large."
A drunk dial is BASICALLY the equivalent of a dozen roses.
"I love the smell of catnip in the morning." - Apocalypse Meow
There is no deeper sadness a human can feel than going to open a bottle of wine and realizing you have no corkscrew.
I can't sleep with you. Not in this economy.
When at the airport, I operate at one of two speeds: drunk or drunker.
To the child in SeaTac wearing the "Wash. My Balls State" t-shirt, I salute you.
I know I may be late to the game on this, but what the fuck is MySpace?