I live every day trying not to disappoint those five people that wrote "Stay cool" in my 7th grade yearbook.

Things That Fux Wit It: Bears, Friday nights, Paul Wall, Mr. Rogers, @diplo, pistachios, me, Tia & Tamara.

In his later years, it was Dumbo's drinking problem and not his ears that became the true elephant in the room.

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Kidding! Bacon.

Prezetti @chelseavperetti http://t.co/8ilOaApz

"She's gone to a butter place." - me giving Paula Deen's eulogy

The creepiest thing you could find in someone's glove compartment is a pair of gloves.

Siri, where is Freddy Prinz Jr. now and is he ok?

The difference between "Reply" and "Reply All" is a matter of life and death.

Don't you guys just hate it when you slip and spill a whole bottle of wine into your mouth?

"Everything is going to be okay." - Coffee

Anyone know if Bill Murray emerged & saw his shadow this morning? Do we get 6 more yrs of indie flicks or is it time for Ghostbusters III?

Boring Headline: "Vertically-Challenged Psychic Escapes From Local Prison." Awesome Headline: "Small Medium at Large."

A drunk dial is BASICALLY the equivalent of a dozen roses.

"I love the smell of catnip in the morning." - Apocalypse Meow

There is no deeper sadness a human can feel than going to open a bottle of wine and realizing you have no corkscrew.

I can't sleep with you. Not in this economy.

When at the airport, I operate at one of two speeds: drunk or drunker.

To the child in SeaTac wearing the "Wash. My Balls State" t-shirt, I salute you.

I know I may be late to the game on this, but what the fuck is MySpace?