I want a wife who won't judge me and cook bacon EVERY morning. Is that too much to ask?

I want del taco in my face

If we start dating and I find out you can juggle like 6 months into the relationship, I might be a little pissed.

Whoaaa. I should come to whole foods just to pick up chicks! Spent my whole paycheck... but tons of lesbians! Yay!

I need to date another prison guard. Hottttt.

more sacks before half-time during the bears/giants game than at the castro street fair today

@wondroushippo ALL birds are assholes. ALL of them. i've never seen a bird that i have trusted...

Lakers vs #Spurs in round 1. Let's do this shit.

Put your love triangle in the sky! @jbomb1984 @ QBar  http://instagr.am/p/Wn7iSjBVPD/ 

My dad just called Obama an "Islamic terrorist". Seriously send in backup. I'm going insane.

I need to stop hooking up with straight women.

With Dance Moms on right before Teen Mom... the decision/choice to not be a parent right now is crystal clear. Right @jbomb1984

I. Don't. Even. Know.

Watching Teen Mom and am thinking, again, that I am SO lucky to be gay. You know, because lesbians can't get pregnant on accident

Jeezus. Free pancakes at Ihop yesterday and 29% off of your Denny's bill today. I would have been a cheap date this week, ladies!

phone number from the area code of my hometown (not a contact in my phone) sent me a pic of a plate of bacon. Whoever you are, I thank you

I hate when people say "everything happens for a reason." No, sometimes it happens because of Patron shots. Sorry I party.

"@durf: Turns out there might be a better ticket than Obama/Biden on the Dem side: http://t.co/bT1jE9yb" haha

@moyalynne the dress is lilac, floor length, one shoulder with sequins. I never want to be a bridesmaid again. I.dont.even.know.

Moving forward ~ 2 week permits renewable every 2 weeks RT @ktvu: City of Santa Rosa just voted to issue permits to #occupysantarosa campers