I should have married a seahorse. Pregnancy would be SO much easier.

I love pancakes like a fat kid loves pancakes.

I'm pretty sure I'm a trending topic in my dogs conversations.

Things are looking up for me: Someone stole my identity and now she has no life.

Let me set the record straight: I'm not fat, I'm pregnant!

Well, we now know that surgical masks are not THAT effective.

After telling my destination to the taxi driver, he said "I can go both ways, you choose". I'm confused now. Somebody please hold me.

I'm not moving out of this bed until waking up becomes a trending topic,

All those jokes I made about myself getting fat were funny 15 pounds ago.

I'm so out of shape my entire body aches after a 45 minutes session of Guitar Hero.

Just woke up from a ten hour bacon-induced coma.

Hit my head against my frame of mind. So confusing.

We found a rat in the house last night and I tell you, it was nothing like the cute friendly one in Ratatouille. ANIMATED MOVIES LIE.

Wearing an apron makes me feel like I have the superpower of cooking: it's like a cape, but on the front.

I made a pie chart but it looked so good I had to eat it.

who's bad?

I was practicing my ninja moves and ninjured my inner thight throwing a kick.

I have a headache four sizes bigger than my head.

"I'm not a nerd, nerds are smart". Sent from Milhouse.

Having big feet is what's leading me to systematically fail every time I try the baby steps thing.