With American Airlines stock at 20 cents, I can't decide between paying for two checked bags or buying half the company.

An optimist sees a zombie as half alive. A pessimist sees a zombie and says "yep, I knew this would happen."

Brett Favre has thrown his hat into the ring to replace the injured Jay Cutler. The hat was immediately intercepted and returned for a TD.

"He died doing what he loved, which was clinging to life and trying not to die, which he was very good at until recently."

Instagram, one billion dollars. Annie Leibovitz, broke. And that's our modern world in a nutshell.

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

I liked that commercial where the Clydesdale escaped and then forgave his owner for selling him into slavery to Budweiser.

The Dow has lost nearly 1,000 points since the Smurfs rang the opening bell, in case we're looking to pin this on someone.

So, basically the Nobel Committee just wanted to thank Germany for not starting a war in a while.

Congratulations to Katie Holmes for finally chewing all the way through her leg.

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It's one part rum, three parts pum.

Instagram is down. Guess I'll have to do what my ancestors did and draw my lunch.

Raise your hand if you put walnuts in your brownies. Now use that hand and slap your face.

A giraffe in a top hat walks into a bar and orders six martinis and shame on you for wanting a punchline. This giraffe needs help.

"And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails."

For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.

Google is honoring Amelia Earhart's birthday today. In addition to the doodle, every search will come up empty.

I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lenses.

Too bad Norman Rockwell isn't around today to paint scenes of people looking down at their smartphones.

Being a parent means enthusiastically clapping for a lot of mediocre stuff. It's like being a Coldplay fan.