If Where's Waldo and Carmen San Diego ever got married, finding that wedding would be hard as shit.

I locked eyes with my dog, and we both started laughing, because there we were, both shittin' in the front yard. Life is funny, sometimes.

If ESPN is honestly comparing Jeremy Lin to Magic Johnson, I hope it's only because he has recently contracted the AIDS virus.

If Green M&M's really are supposed to make you horny, being colorblind and eating M&M's is like Russian Roulette for inappropriate boners.

My doctor told me to stop drinking soda. What am I supposed to drink? WATER?? LIKE A DEER??

If Green M&M's really are supposed to make you horny, being colorblind and eating M&M's is like Russian Roulette for inappropriate boners.

Flair wasn't ready for the Stinger. #FLAIRTEXTS @chillhartman pic.twitter.com/23hnRC5x

@charmin LISTEN I KNOW YOU THINK YOUR LITTLE BEARS ARE CUTE BUT THINK OF THOSE OF US WHOSE FATHERS WERE EATEN BY BEARS. HAVE SOME CLASS

Monday morning after the Puppy Bowl is the worst time for that ref, because that's when he has to start putting the team that lost down.

I love @billdemott. Dude killed it all season on WWE Tough Enough. Why this guy wasn't full blown main eventer completely baffles me.

Cinco De Mayo, Free Comic Book Day, and Star Wars Day are all exciting things for idiots.

@wholefoods LISTEN I JUST ASKED WHERE THE COKE PRODUCTS WERE AND SOME TATTOOED GIRL TOLD ME WHY DON'T I GO TO THE POOR PEOPLE STORE FOR SOME

Excel seems like a pretty cool program to use -- if you're a shithead.

my boss heard me singing along to music i was listening to and made fun of me so i sang "get the fuck out of my ooooooffice!" and she did.

the words "kid rock" and "political views" should only come up in one sentence and it's "I do not care what Kid Rock's Political Views are."

hey don't be bummed out that you're single and lonely, because somewhere on earth someone is really happy that they're not with you! <3

Smosh is that thing where people sit on food, right

I wrote this about the NRA for Deadspin - Enjoy  http://deadspin.com/5968775/former-espn-outdoors-producer-most-of-the-people-ive-met-from-the-nra-dont-believe-the-bullshit-theyre-selling?tag=sandy-hook-shooting …

@humanesociety LISTEN A DOG IN THE WOODS JUST BIT ME AND THEN RAN OFF. HOW LONG DO I HAVE UNTIL I BECOME THE WEREWOLF? I FEEL MYSELF CHANGIN

@pizzahut I was on speaker phone ordering lunch and person at pizza hut said my calzone was just a "fucked up pizza" and to just order pizza