let's create a conscious entity that will struggle to understand why it exists for like 70 years. actually lets make three or four, whatever

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. I want to fuck them

mister anderson. it seem's youre liveing two lives. In one, you,re a piece of shit retard, and in the other one, your gay

i am the viper im here to vipe your vindows [runs a big magnet over your laptop]

i mutter "this better be good" every time i click on a link, or answer a phone call, or open an envelope, or emerge from a womb

Im imagining someone saying some real dumb stuff. wow hes wrong about everything. Now Im owning the crap out of him in my imagination

Shoot! *snips off dick while trying to trim pubes with pruning shears* It’s just one of those days! *bleeds out and dies in Arby’s restroom*

Hmm *reads a tweet* *considers the ideas it presents* *laughs softly at the joke* *thoughtfully faves the tweet* ah

what if… a gay dog… *shuffles 3.5in notecards* krumped… in the club

Im glad twitter added links for my two primary activities: Expand and Collapse

over 30% of relationships are ended as a consequence of mismatched irony levels

I don't smoke; I don't drink. My one vice is luring innocent people into my murder factory and crushing them with giant hydraulic pistons.

My thoughts are hazier than they were five years ago, any skills I mightve had are atrophying daily, and my aspirations are plummeting. haha

this sucks [gesturing at the universe]

Whoops! I sent out a bad tweet without adding "hi haters" to the end!! *attempts to slap forehead, jams SmartPhone entirely into brain*

your and ass

.@favstar could you add an “early supporter” tab showing tweets i was the first to fav/rt that blew up months later. for my darker days

I did this before but here it is again on a slightly less ugly website. dril egypt tweets http://t.co/blk6BxUH

“I am a sick man… I am a wicked man” — Notes from Tony Hawk Underground

we only have so much time in this world, so make sure to be mean to strangers while you have the chance