Old porn = Debbie does dialysis

my cat just coughed up a massive orange hairball and a new member of the Jersey Shore was born.

Honk if u love jesus, txt while driving if u want to meet him.

@fayeresnick1 instead of auditioning for #rhobh you should try Rupaul's drag race. You almost look female enough to win.

Please stop posting photos of food on instagram or my fat friend will eat her phone.

If you cant beat them, join them. And when they are not looking..beat them

Before you speak make sure its an improvement upon the silence.

If life hands u lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger

Sometimes being funny on twitter is harder that finding a black penis Kim Kardashian didnt like.

Fat woman just walked behind my parked car. Rear camera sensors are going crazy...

I thought the guy in the car ahead of me was wearing a gorilla suit, turns out he's just wearing a wife beater and his back fur...

Its not pretty being easy.

back at work, surprised none of my coworkers are missing fingers from lighting fireworks. considering they struggle with the office copier.

I spend most meetings drawing violent and incoherent doodles

Always check for assholes... http://t.co/z0oyAgJ9

my workout is done when either~my vodka is gone or i fall off the treadmill

Rush hour traffic is when I play a game called "spot the nosepicker and wave"

when a clown dies, do his friends go to the funeral in one car?

depression is the best diet, one more month and I will be at my ideal weight.

If Jehova Witnesses dressed their teen girls in slutty clothes, I'm sure more men would open their doors when they came knocking..