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Honk if u love jesus, txt while driving if u want to meet him.
my cat just coughed up a massive orange hairball and a new member of the Jersey Shore was born.
If you cant beat them, join them. And when they are not looking..beat them
Please stop posting photos of food on instagram or my fat friend will eat her phone.
If life hands u lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger
Its not pretty being easy.
Sometimes being funny on twitter is harder that finding a black penis Kim Kardashian didnt like.
Before you speak make sure its an improvement upon the silence.
World war Z is what happens when the women in my office get free food
Fat woman just walked behind my parked car. Rear camera sensors are going crazy...
I thought the guy in the car ahead of me was wearing a gorilla suit, turns out he's just wearing a wife beater and his back fur...
back at work, surprised none of my coworkers are missing fingers from lighting fireworks. considering they struggle with the office copier.
my workout is done when either~my vodka is gone or i fall off the treadmill
I spend most meetings drawing violent and incoherent doodles
when a clown dies, do his friends go to the funeral in one car?
Rush hour traffic is when I play a game called "spot the nosepicker and wave"
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