The key to a successful public urination is maintaining eye contact.

My meatloaf brings all the boys to the yard and they're like bloarrgghh.

We should just start calling Jennifer Aniston "Jeniston" because there will never be anyone else to combine her name with.

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll spend every weekend drunk in a boat.

If you love something, kill it. If it comes back, it's a zombie.

Saw an ad where Katy Perry says people were staring at her zits. She must have misheard.

Is #TardWeek something you can win? Because I think I just did. http://t.co/H0LBcIYZ

If I do a "ya mum" joke, don't make it awkward by telling me that she died. Just take it like a man and then go sob quietly somewhere.

I was into things before they were cool before it was cool to be into things before they were cool.

I'm living the dream. It's that one where I forget to wear pants to work.

My dick is big in Japan.

"I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" was much more successful than the follow up product "Squint And It Looks Like Tuna".

I can spell and I know when to use an apostrophe. I am the one percent.

My spirit animal is one of those monkeys with a dong for a nose.

People talking about the meaning behind their tattoos are the new people talking about how smart their cat is.

Stupid phone keeps correcting boobs to books. What kind of intellectual wanker does it think I am?

Alice Cooper is the worst drag queen ever.

Remember when the word "douche" was an Americanism that we didn't use in Australia? It was about 18 months ago.

So who do we confuse Obama with now?

Are hippos the only type of potamus, or are there other kinds?