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Leaving my window open tonight so a moth can fly in and bring some excitement to my life
I feel sort of ashamed that I got into Dr. Who, like an adult discovered my drawings of muscly dudes, or something.
IS MASS-SSARATI SHA MUSHI INFERNUM LIMNUTI DESTROYUM LU-U ZALLU LISH—oh shit, wrong Twitter account, sorry guys.
Sometimes it helps to go outside, take a deep breath, and unleash a torrent of profanity at God.
Just drank a glass of wine like it'd been building sexual tension with me over the course of three seasons.
it just struck me how incredibly vulgar it is that we use decommissioned artillery as monuments in public places
ben whats with this shopping list? a garbagecan of sausage? As many eggs as I can carry?
*mom turns me around Im 3 raccoons in a trenchcoat*
I want to make sloppy love with you on the counter. I mean, I got lost in your big brown eyes. I mean, can I get my burrito with brown rice.
Tumblr yodels every time I open it??
I'm still haunted by things I did for that Klondike bar. Oh god, Grandma; if only the ambulance had been quicker—
As a kid I was scared of the Borg. As an adult I spend 18 hours a day on Twitter.
Someone recognized me from Twitter out last night and I immediately maced them and sped off with my entourage in a stretched Dodge Neon
I joined one of those gyms where you sit and drink beer and smoke cigarettes and watch sports and talk loud and it's a bar.
"Let's make sure there's more guns and less healthcare but keep calling ourselves pro-life." - Republicans
I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day. —E.B. White