Leaving my window open tonight so a moth can fly in and bring some excitement to my life

I feel sort of ashamed that I got into Dr. Who, like an adult discovered my drawings of muscly dudes, or something.

IS MASS-SSARATI SHA MUSHI INFERNUM LIMNUTI DESTROYUM LU-U ZALLU LISH—oh shit, wrong Twitter account, sorry guys.

Sometimes it helps to go outside, take a deep breath, and unleash a torrent of profanity at God.

Just drank a glass of wine like it'd been building sexual tension with me over the course of three seasons.

I may have problems, but at least I get paid to make ludicrous stuff like this: pic.twitter.com/d7tzo8RJku

it just struck me how incredibly vulgar it is that we use decommissioned artillery as monuments in public places

ben whats with this shopping list? a garbagecan of sausage? As many eggs as I can carry?
*mom turns me around Im 3 raccoons in a trenchcoat*

Woman hits cyclist while driving, flees scene, tweets about it, police reply to her tweet:  http://bit.ly/10KHdWr 

I want to make sloppy love with you on the counter. I mean, I got lost in your big brown eyes. I mean, can I get my burrito with brown rice.

Tumblr yodels every time I open it??

I'm still haunted by things I did for that Klondike bar. Oh god, Grandma; if only the ambulance had been quicker—

Someone told my wife "I haven't done HTML since I was in 8th grade" and now I feel cripplingly ancient. #goto10

As a kid I was scared of the Borg. As an adult I spend 18 hours a day on Twitter.

Also, here is the Ken Cosgrove GIF we all ordered with our minds and hearts. #MadMen  http://i.imgur.com/giOntby.gif 

Someone recognized me from Twitter out last night and I immediately maced them and sped off with my entourage in a stretched Dodge Neon

I joined one of those gyms where you sit and drink beer and smoke cigarettes and watch sports and talk loud and it's a bar.

Gotta get this guy home safely. pic.twitter.com/ksb7hMD98A

"Let's make sure there's more guns and less healthcare but keep calling ourselves pro-life." - Republicans

Presenting...Junior Samples Junior and Carl's III  http://instagram.com/p/ZbRRrXFkl8/