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Got my wife the Lexus with a giant bow commercial on VHS
Life is like a box of chocolates. Then you get fat.
It's got to be tough for the man on Halloween weekend who is legitimately looking for prostitutes
If I had an emergency, I would either send 911 a text or I would let myself die. Calling people is rude.
To keep things easy, Freddy Krueger dresses up as Seal for Halloween.
I would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Steve Jobs, creator of iPhone autocorrect, dies. I'll see you in he'll.
If the Westboro Baptist Church pickets your funeral, you've probably done something good with your life.
My 8th grade English teacher had a colostomy bag; she really knew how to use a semi-colon.
I blame autocorrect for my dry spell; apparently, I'm into "annual" sex.
You become an adult when the prize at the bottom of the cereal box is a regular bowel movement.
I wonder if Foosball tables look like shish kabob buffets to a cannibal.
This lunch catered from 'Olive Garden' is so sad, Bon Iver is putting out a double album inspired by it.
I'm the Eric Clapton of babysitting.
I'm convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
"I have the pussy, I make the rules!" Rules? That's a funny way to spell sandwiches.
In the cheese family, Velveeta is 54-year-old Aunt Barb with botox, a fake tan, and fake boobs that calls everyone "sugar".
Well behaved women rarely make history or a grilled cheese when you ask for it.
Just ate a donut quicker than most would. Like a supervisor with aspirations to be a boss.