I think it’s pretty safe to assume that people who think lip piercings are cool still have very active MySpace accounts.

Watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is the highlight of my day in case you were wondering how much my life sucks.

Sometimes I accidentally kiss my cat too close to her b-hole and it's gross. I wish this was a joke.

I think it's more believable that the dudes on Maury aren't the fathers than the fact that women would actually have sex with them.

In my experience salad tossing is usually followed by cookie tossing.

Restraining orders and gag orders are commands I like to receive in the bedroom.

Why hasn't anyone invented a vibrating tampon?

Want to make your foot doctor's day? Tell him he gives great ped.

Giant dicks are kinda like the Titanic. They're useless if they can't navigate the waters.

There's a fine line between prostitution and using sex to barter and I fully intend to walk that line.

Whenever I hear the sound of thunder there's a small part of me that thinks that maybe this time it's a t-rex.

You haven't truly played Hide and Seek until you've successfully found my g-spot.

My life is basically one big guilty pleasure.

Sucks to be a bumblebee who isn't a Steelers or Bruins fan.

You know that person who you feel sorry for because they're standing in line buying kitty litter on a Friday night? That person is me.

Let's be honest, the main reason I want to get married is for the William-Sonoma gift registry.

My guess is the more unnecessary instances of the letter "y" in your first name, the bigger your tramp stamp.

Cameron Diaz's face would make such a lovely pair of boots!

I always wipe from front to back unless I'm dating a guy I really don't like.

I wait until March to start my New Years resolution because the gym is usually quiet again by then.