My job as a housewife: be thin, wear yoga/hot pants, hang out at the gym & Target, drink alcohol from my purse, & something about kids...

I'm SO sick of white people getting stuck with the shittiest sayings. Just once I wanna say 'Holla atch yo gurl' unstead of 'smell ya later'

When comforting a Grammar Nazi I always say softly, "Their, there, they're."

My husband just got a Twitter acct and now I'm terrified that he will find me and make me do all those dirty, dirty things I claim to do.

Science Fact: If you took all the veins out of your body and laid them end to end, you would die

I've never loved anyone enough to spray paint it on an overpass

Dude with an 'I LOVE MY WIFE' bumper sticker- Thanks for telling the world you cheated.

10/10 people who wear Tapout shirts and say "epic" have STD's. You can't argue with facts.

KIDS: Because slavery is illegal

McDonald's sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring AA

Dentist just said I have an very large jaw muscle and my jaw can hyperextend slightly so yeah, he totally wants to drill me in the mouth

Does twitter turn every woman into a lesbian or is it just me? WTF?

I'm spending quality time with my kids today so to answer your question, yes, I've been drinking.

Ladies over 30.... Don't even pretend that you've never tried butt sex. It's making us all look bad.

I couldn't get my 2yo potty trained so I got her a Twitter acct and now she sits in the bathroom half the day. Now she calls me fucktard.

I'm outta D batteries and setting my phone to vibrate. RT as much as possible :)

When I finish first when 69'ing I always yell, "IN YOUR FACE!" 'cause, double entendre.

If I wanted to read other people's sexting I would look through my husband's phone. Keep that shit in your DM's

Really? $140 for an eco-friendly vibrator? I'd rather use a tree branch.

Can't wait for my 'no strings attached' backrub tonight. Which means he'll try to slip it in doggy style 'on accident'.