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Dear Confused Teen Girls: someone who sparkles and won't have sex with you isn't a vampire; it's a gay guy.
People who think the earthquake was a punishment from God are the reason other people are atheists.
This week: old men vote on women's uteruses, an obese governor denies gay rights and a remorseless face puncher is vindicated. Hug someone.
"R.I.P. Neil Young. No, Neil Patrick Harris. No, wait! Neil Diamond! GAH, who was the guy who landed on the sun?" ~ NBC
Jim Leher: Both of you have spoken abt a lot of different things. I'm frightened & confused. My eyes have no pupils. Where am I? #debate
OMG, you guys, there's a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
The President can make himself invisible and women can repel rape sperm with their magic vaginas. Republicans are in Hogwarts, bitches! #RNC
It's taking so long b/c Lenny Kravitz is putting on Obama's gold eyeliner and making him a suit of flames. #election2012 #HungerGames
North Carolina has banned gay marriage & straight co-habitation, but hosts #TheBachelorette bc you should find your mate in a hot tub on TV.
If you're a stupid moron who got pregnant in a tent then went on Dancing with the Stars, stop fucking lecturing the President.
Mitt: "Research is great! I love cars! I'm still speaking! I hate gays! My cheeks hurt!" #debate
So basically his name was Extra Terrestrial, the Extra Terrestrial...? #ET
Anyone who goes on Twitter to ask other people to stop making jokes can fuck off.
Kim Kardashian is now a singer and Snooki is a novelist. Suddenly thousands of dead birds in Arkansas don't seem so terrifying.
"But it was just the tip of the iceberg!" ~ The Ocean, quickly pulling her pants on
Big day on the Internet: everyone's an expert on both addiction and grief.
I just realized Romney CAN'T win. They'd have to change the opening credits of #Homeland
writer, kitten enthusiast, Ramona Quimby fan, lipgloss lover
