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Who put all these daggers in my Caesar salad?
Drinking cider from a wine glass because FUCK washing up
Ok so just found out rabies aren't rabbit babies!
A male's testes make about 5,000 sperm a second.so Im not just lying on the couch doing nothing
Im allergic to prison it always causes me to break out!
Drug-sniffing dogs are wrong more than 50% of the time. The important thing is that they admit it and grow from the experience
A condom can carry up to 2 litres of liquid so why does it say on the packet to only use them once?
The Moon is now about 18 times further away from Earth than when it was formed 4.5 billion years ago,amazing how you grow apart over time
paying for a Facebook ad after they reduced your organic reach by over 66% makes about as much sense as paying twice for water!
i like to apply for high profile jobs so that the hr are forced to look through my twitter feed
Don't forget School doesn't test your intelligence, it tests your memory.
Free speech is even more important if you are on a budget
If you produced a sound louder than 1,100 dB, you would create a black hole and destroy the galaxy and your landlord would keep your deposit
i like my women like i like my fine art, treated with respect or left alone
Moses was the worst tour guide ever!
Laughter strengthens the heart and stabilizes the human mind and sometimes makes you poop yourself!
a bunch of brand new #Donegal comedians taking to the stage for the first time, RT Please! https://www.facebook.com/events/593274560794642/?ref_dashboard_filter=upcoming …
It's so nice to see that so many comedians can use something as tragic as a death by suicide to increase their notoriety on twitter!
comedian,poet,musician,host, list maker #funny
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